


Beta

by SakoAkarui



Series: Homestuck on Screen [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-07-23 02:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7462278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakoAkarui/pseuds/SakoAkarui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Literally an attempt to compile Homestuck into a screenplay. First of four. Mostly to test out my adaptation and screenwriting skills for shits and giggles. Chapter titles denote how much time is (hoped) to be the final run time, approximately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Minutes 1-10

 

 

OPENING

The Skaianet logo appears and a percentage below it increases as the game "loads". Once 100% is loaded, the screen fades to a red curtain surrounded by a clockwork whosawhatsits contraptions. Sburban Jungle music begins. The camera zooms in and the red curtains are drawn aside. Prospit clouds zoom from behind the viewer to the horizon, showing various scenes from throughout the kids' adventures. The opening credits accompany the scenes: JOHN rocketing around LOLAR, GRANDPA piloting the airship, ROSE smashing the generator, BEC using his super green sun powers to transport JADE, JACK NOIR's shadow over the battlefield, snippet from "Dave Accelerate", Jade entering, Jade and Dave collecting frogs, shadow of LORD ENGLISH honking, DAVESPRITE and JADESPRITE from Cascade, Red Miles, the MAYOR making can town, John using windy powers, Rose destroying part of her world, Dave being raised by BRO, Bro slicing Dave's meteor, Jade in her dark dress alchemitizing things, etc. Finally:

EXT. PROSPIT

JADE's dream self is seen from behind watching the clouds of Skaia over Prospit. She is standing in the window of her tower on Prospit's moon, wearing the golden Prospit dress/night gown.

INT. JADE'S BEDROOM - MID MORNING

The music cuts out abruptly. Jade, a thirteen year old girl, wakes up, backlit so only her silhouette is visible. Her identity for the scene remains unknown. BEC, her large white dog who is also a being of unfathomable power, looks up at her as she rises from bed. She goes to her computer. The computer is very futuristic, with the desktop and windows floating above as a hologram. A window pops up. The following conversation is recorded in a computer window while they talk, each in their own "quirk". Jade writes in green, ROSE in purple. Jade is cheerful and optimistic. Rose never says precisely what she means.

COMPUTER

tentacleTherapist began pestering gardenGnostic. Enable Voice Chat?

A cursor moves and clicks yes. The sound of the chat being enabled sounds. You should get used to this sound.

ROSE

I require a font of frighteningly accurate yet infuriatingly nonspecific information.

JADE

Haha, okay, but we can't talk for long!

ROSE

You have plans?

JADE

Well, yes I do, but you will lose your internet connection soon!

Jade pulls over a green box and carefully re-seals it. She pens a note: To EB, from GG.

ROSE

This is what I was talking about. My avarice for the inscrutable. It is limitless.

JADE

What did you want to know?

ROSE

You've been insisting today was the big day. We would all play a game you didn't know the name of, but that we would get in the mail. Which I did. A game which would help me answer some questions, that might also resurrect my deceased cat for reasons unknown. But the others are being obtuse and my internet is, as mentioned, unstable. Are you sure today is the day?

Bec teleports and sits obediently by Jade's side. She scratches his head. Green lightning occasionally sparks around him. He is basically the god dog of all superior power known to all of existence. Also, good dog, best friend.

JADE

There sure are a lot of challenges, but yes I am sure! It will be hard but don't give up!

ROSE

Is there nothing else you can say to prepare me for this?

JADE

I don't really know what to tell you other than it's not going to be what you think it is. And most importantly you will have your questions answered, but they will be the ones you haven't thought to ask yet! Just be patient and brave and you'll see. Don't worry about it, and focus on playing with John first. It all starts with you two!

ROSE

I see. Yes, these vague assurances will surely alleviate my concerns.

(pause)

I suppose I should continue to pester John then.

 

EXT. JOHN'S NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY

The scene begins on a bright blue sky. A stylized sun is in the sky, like the symbol for Light in the game. JOHN's suburban neighborhood pans into view. WIND and WIND CHIMES sound quietly.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - DAY

A newly thirteen year old boy is looking at a card which reads "HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON". Cakes litter the room. The boy quickly passes by and a calendar is seen on the far wall. Two days are circled: 4/13 reads BIRTHDAY, 4/10 reads BETA.

Official title runs, using BETA in the title:

HOMESTUCK (diamond behind) BETA

There is a dark belt at the bottom of the screen; the white words "A young man stands in his bedroom. What will you do?" appear within the dark belt briefly before fading. The dark belt remains so for the entirety of the movie; it is the command readout and its 'lines' are never spoken. CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS appear in the lower right hand corner of the screen whenever the kids pick up items, comprising the players' sylladex. There is a green card with a hammer on the far right, then two blank pink cards, a pink card with a razor, and a pink card with fake arms. The room is covered in movie posters: ConAir, Ghostbusters, and Armageddon are prominent. Cakes lie in various locations. A large chest is in the corner and ghost sheets are on the bed. There is a large book with COLONEL SASSACRE written on it. He also has a black ~ATH programming book. A computer is set up across from a window with a computer chair. The boy jumps into his chair and spins around quickly. John stops himself and his face finally comes into full view, lit by the computer screen in front. He has a bluetooth headset over his ear. John is optimistic and has a tendency to get in way over his head, but it'll all work out in the end because he's just that kind of doofus.

The computer desktop shows various icons: SYSTEM ICON, TYPHEUS PROGRAM, PESTERCHUM PROGRAM, AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGHHH.~ATH, pff.^CAKE, and FUCK FUCK FUCK.^CAKE. PESTERCHUM is running.

A window pops up, writing the text out:

turntechGodhead began pestering ectoBiologist at 16:13.

A new window asks "Enable Voice Chat?"

The mouse clicks OK and John flicks his bluetooth ear piece on. A voice chat sound plays and the chat window opens with the name turntechGodhead and a short bio written by DAVE in his quirk. An "ironic selfie" of Dave is in the corner. Their conversation is also recorded, in their quirks, as they talk and is visible whenever the computer screen is in view. John proceeds to open other gifts, such as a Little Monsters movie poster, while talking with Dave. Dave is too cool for school, and thus never misses classes. Irony. No biggie.

DAVE

Hey, John, so what sort of insane birthday loot did you rake in today? Did you get the beta yet?

JOHN

Yeah, but I nearly ran into my Dad getting it! He's busy making more cakes downstairs. Did you get yours?

DAVE

Man, I got two copies already. But I'm not going to play it or anything; the game sounds boring. Maybe you can play with TT. She's been pestering me all day about it. She's macking on me so hard all the time I start to feel embarrassed for her.

JOHN

(Deadpan)

Yes, it is understandable because you are really attractive. I am attracted to you.

John starts messing about in his room while talking to Dave. He takes the fake arms from his sylladex by swiping them from the cards in the corner of the screen. He sticks them in the cake. He finds this act to be a stroke of genius because he is a doofus.

DAVE

Thank you.

JOHN

Just kidding. I've been spending all afternoon shitting around with my stupid sylladex. You should see this, it's hilarious.

DAVE

Not that interested. Probably nearly getting yourself killed with your knowledge of data structures.

JOHN

Pfft. As if. Anyway, guess I'll go try to get that beta.

DAVE

Sure. And let me know if there's anything else there. Like say, an awesome red package.

John sighs, looks at the arms, then grabs them again. They glow, disappear, and reenter his sylladex card. John leaves the room.

COMPUTER

Now leaving wireless range. Voice Chat Disabled.

INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Harlequin theme plays quietly. A large box sits in the middle of the room. There is a fireplace with a fire; a picture of NANNA sits over the fireplace with an urn. Harlequin statues and photos decorate the shelves and the walls. Mail is on the table by the couch. A door to the left leads to the kitchen; the door next to that leads to the study. A front door is behind the camera. A cake sits on the couch and joke mustache and glasses sit on a table near the kitchen.

John peeks through the kitchen door to see DAD cooking yet another cake. A Betty Crocker box is next to him. John closes the door.

John reads the note on the large box:

"CHAMP

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT.

I BELIEVE IN YOU."

He opens the large box to reveal a giant armless Harlequin doll.

JOHN

Oh hell no.

He puts the doll on the couch. After a moment's thought he sticks the FAKE ARMS to it with the leftover cake on the fake arms, laughing a little. The card flashes and the other cards move up again.

JOHN

You, sir, are a genius.

He picks up his Dad's PDA and captchalogues it. Then he grabs the red package, and finally the BETA, from the mail. They enter the captchalogue cards in that order.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - DAY

The ding of the Voice Chat is heard as John enters. John takes the SBURB disc from the package and puts it into the computer. It disappears from his captchalogue index. John picks up a cake to move it somewhere else, but it inadvertently enters his final sylladex card. (They should be Cake, package, PDA, then razor reading left to right). John seems frustrated with this fact.

DAVE

ectoBiologist is back and reenabled voice chat? Thank you, Pesterchum, for your reminder. It's not like I'm sitting at my computer, reading these squiggles. I'd have no idea that my voice chat was enabled if you hadn't told me.

JOHN

Are you talking to yourself?

DAVE

Of course not.

(Casually)

Did you get the mail? Did there happen to be a package there?

JOHN

Yeah, a big red one.

DAVE

You should probably open it.

The SBURB CLIENT SCREEN on the computer reads:

SBURB version 0.0.1

@ SKAIANET SYSTEMS INCORPORATED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

SBURB client is running.

Waiting for server to establish connection ...

JOHN

Yeah, okay. Just... Let me figure out this sylladex stuff.

Harlequin music picks up. He picks up another cake which appears in the far left CAPTCHALOGUE CARD and the razor is shot from the far right CAPTCHALOGUE CARD, just missing John, flying across the room, and stabbing a poster. John experimentally picks up another cake and the PDA goes flying out the window, leaving glass shards all over the floor. He looks at the razor. He picks up the razor and the red package flies out and hits John before dropping to the floor.

DAVE

What are you doing there? Having some kind of glass smashing ethnic party?

JOHN

(frustrated)

Just getting to the package is all.

(mumbling)

How do I use two items together again?

John picks up the red package, ejecting the CAKE out the window.

EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE, LOOKING IN AT JOHN. HE STARES AT THE CAKE AND PDA ON THE GROUND OUTSIDE. HE LOOKS DOWN AND DISAPPEARS FROM THE WINDOW. TWO CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS FILL WITH BROKEN GLASS SHARDS AND TWO MORE CAKES FLY OUT THE WINDOW. THE PACKAGE AND RAZOR DISAPPEAR AND ANOTHER GLASS SHARD IS ADDED TO THE DECK.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM

John holds the open package and finishes reading a letter from the box. He lifts a dirty stuffed bunny from the box. A certificate in the box names it as the official bunny used on set of ConAir.

JOHN

Is this...?

DAVE

A bunny once held hostage by Cyrus, "The Virus"? Authentic to every last filthy stain.

JOHN

This is so sweet.

DAVE

(Laughing) You don't even like it ironically or anything this is like for real, isn't it?

JOHN

I do things ironically sometimes. What about those glasses I sent for your birthday?

DAVE

No those are awesome. I wear them ironically because they're awesome. The fact that they're ironic makes them awesome, and vice versa.

JOHN

Pfft sure Strider. As awesome as your Bro's freaky puppets.

DAVE

What, Lil' Cal? No, man, Lil' Cal is the shit.

JOHN

Hey, did you want to play this SBURB thing?

DAVE

No way, it sounds HELLS of boring. Just get TT to play it. Her internet is blinking in and out, I guess, but it's all she's been talking about. Probably be back online soon. Hey, I'll catch you later.

JOHN

Yeah, okay. Later.

John opens up the TYPHEUS web browser and finds his way to the MIDNIGHT CREW page. He hears the car start and sees his dad leave through the window. A brief video of the MIDNIGHT CREW plays, introducing the main four characters: SPADES SLICK, HEARTS BOXCARS, DIAMONDS DROOG, and CLUBS DEUCE. It also shows some of the crazy powers of the Felt, and the smashing of various clocks.

A Pesterchum window pops up and interrupts the video: tentacleTherapist began pestering ectoBiologist at 17:08. Enable Voice Chat? The ding sounds.

ROSE

It looks like you managed to retrieve the beta. Excellent. Should I try to connect?

JOHN

Whoa, ok, but I just got the most awesome present.

The SBURB application finally begins to run. A large button in the middle reads "START?" The four quadrant green SBURB house symbol is also on the screen.

ROSE

I've heard tales of this wretched creature often. Its Homeric legend is practically ensconced in the fold of my personal mythology now. But why don't we focus on the matter at hand?

JOHN

Oh the game, ok. So what am I even looking at here.

John hits enter. The SBURB logo spins and disappears as the Skaianet load screen runs. Rose talks.

ROSE

You are running the client application. I am running the server, so I am the host user. I have established a connection with you. This is sufficient for us to play the game.

The build interface appears over the top of the moviescreen above John's head. The Skaianet spiral logo is in the upper left hand corner, and seven SBURB buttons appear. Rose's mouse now appears over JOHN's room. Rose begins to move things in John's room.

JOHN

Whoa, what are you doing?

ROSE

Getting a feel for the controls. Oh, I think this will...

Rose clicks the second icon from the left and enlarges John's room. She then clicks the third icon and builds the totem lathe. The physical lathe drops into John's room. He rushes over to take a closer look at it. He tries messing with the machine without even the pretense of caution to see what it does.

JOHN

Whoa, what's that?

ROSE

It seems to be a "totem lathe". Deploying the lathe did not appear to incur any expense. It looks like certain objects are freebies, probably to help you set up the game.

JOHN

Wow ok. What do they do?

ROSE

I think it's up to you to find out. All I can do is drop stuff in your house, and move it around apparently.

JOHN

You can move stuff? Can you get that PDA?

ROSE

The one you threw out your window for some reason?

Rose picks up the PDA and deposits it in John's room. He picks it up. He now has a PDA, then three glass shards.

JOHN

Thanks. How do I move stuff around?

John opens pesterchum on the PDA so he can walk and speak with Rose. The PDA begins to show their conversation via pesterchum as he walks out of his room.

INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM

Rose deploys the CRUXTRUDER in John's living room, inadvertently blocking the front door.

EXT. JOHN'S BALCONY

She deploys the ALCHEMITER on John's balcony. A telescope is also on the balcony.

ROSE

You have to run the server application. You should have received both in separate envelopes.

JOHN

What?

Flashback to John looking out his window, watching his DAD drive away. An SBURB envelope and GREEN BOX are in the car.

 JOHN (CON'T)

Oh man, it must be with my dad in his car!

INT. JOHN'S LIVING ROOM

John wanders to the living room. He runs down the stairs. Sounds are heard from John's bathroom as Rose accidentally lifts and drops the toilet.

JOHN

Oh hell no, you put this thing in front of the door?

ROSE

There's a door there?

JOHN

Um, YEAH?

ROSE

I didn't see it. I thought it fit nicely in the groove there.

He begins to mess with the Cruxtruder, jumping on it, pulling, trying to figure out how it works.

JOHN

You mean you thought it was elegant? Ok well, what do I do with this thing then? Hello? What are you doing?

John is interrupted by another pesterchum notification. The PDA reads: Switch to Voice Chat with gardenGnostic? John clicks OK.

COMPUTER

gardenGnostic began pestering ectobiologist at 17:25

JADE

John did you get my package? It was in a green box...

JOHN

Oh, yes, but it's in my dad's car.

JADE

Great! So what are you up to today?

Rose's cursor suddenly drops a bathtub on the stairs.

JOHN

I'm up to my neck in this SBURB stuff. TT is making a royal mess of my house.

JADE

(Laughing)

What's SBURB?

JOHN

It's this game. I'm still figuring it out.

JADE

Whoa, what was that?

JOHN

What was what?

JADE

There was a loud noise outside my house! It sounded like an explosion! I will go outside and look...

JOHN

Oh man, alright, but be careful!

JADE

I will!

COMPUTER

GardenGnostic ceased pestering ectobiologist at 17:28.

John reestablishes voice chat with Rose. John goes up to and grabs the edge of the bathtub. He looks around.

JOHN

You can see me, right? Tell me what is wrong with this picture.

ROSE

Sorry. I keep losing the wireless signal. Must be the weather. I was trying to fix your bathroom.

JOHN

Fix?!

ROSE

I would look for a stronger signal in another part of the house, but I'd rather not risk an encounter with my mother. I battled through her cloud of gin and derision once already this evening.

JOHN

(in an honest attempt to commiserate over the difficulty of dealing with parents)

Yeah, I hear you.

ROSE

(dryly sarcastic)

Yes. Cake, Jesters, and unfaltering love and support. Quite a road to hoe there for one John Egbert. Here, let me open that for you.

Rose picks up the bathtub and smashes the top of the cruxtruder before moving the tub offscreen. The kernelsprite pops out. It's a bright blue sphere that flickers rapidly, about the size of a basketball. A countdown appears on the cruxtruder, starting at 4 minutes and 13 seconds.

JOHN

What is this thing? And what is that clock counting down to?

ROSE

I've been look at the GameFAQ walkthroughs, but they are all extremely short. None progress further than this point. But you will need to extrude some "cruxite" from the device.

John turns the wheel to reveal a blue cylinder from the top where Rose knocked off the top.

ROSE

That countdown is making me nervous. Here, I think you are going to need this card, too.

Rose's cursor drops a captchalogue card with an apple and many slits on it into John's hand. It enters his captchalogue card. He takes the cruxite into his captchalogue quickly after. Two glass shards shoot off and maim the Giant Harlequin Doll. It now has a slash on its left eye, and a slice has gone through his jester's cap on the left side. He considers the maimed doll, then picks up a different harlequin doll on the table to fire the last glass shard, slicing the left arm off the doll. The PDA is now accessible on the bottom of John's stack. The kernelsprite is acting crazy flying about.

JOHN

This thing keeps following me around.

ROSE

That is probably the "Kernelsprite". It apparently needs to be "prototyped". Twice actually.

JOHN

Well, you are the one with the cursor so just do whatever you think is right to do. Also, fix my bathroom!

John runs upstairs as Rose drops the maimed harlequin doll into the Kernelsprite. It changes to a maimed harlequin's head and continues to follow John around, although it flickers far less. John returns to his bedroom and the odd device Rose left there.

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM

He stops and looks out through the window. His father's car pulls into the driveway. John also spies a meteor in the sky. Sburban Countdown (music) begins here, and builds slowly.

ROSE

You should probably hurry. The clock is ticking. Oh, your Dad just got home. I suppose I'll try and fix that bathroom now before he notices.

JOHN

Oh man, who cares about the bathroom, now there's a meteor heading for my house!

ROSE

I see. Do you suppose that has anything to do with the game?

JOHN

I don't know, maybe! What do I do!

ROSE

If the meteor is a game construct, I think the only thing to do is to proceed. Try using the card on the lathe in your room.

JOHN

Okay, I'll do that.

ROSE

(speaking of the FAQs she is reading)

It is a labor to read this drivel. I think I will write my own walkthrough. That is, after we make sure you don't die.

John uses the card and the cruxite. The card is one of those old computer punch cards. The lathe begins working, creating a shape in the cruxite but the screen freezes and the music stops suddenly. WIRELESS DISCONNECT flashes on the screen, and the frame zooms out.

 

INT. ROSE'S ROOM - NIGHT

Zoom out from the disconnect screen at John's house. John's bedroom is frozen on Rose's screen. Rose is working at her computer, her face visible in its light. Her room is dark due to a loss of electricity, but lightning flashes reveal a slightly messy room with Cthulu-esque fan-art, a violin case, and various knitting paraphernalia. Rose has a violin and a knitting bag in her Captchalogue cards, set up as a tree modus in the lower left hand corner. Her green cardreads NEEDLEKIND and displays knitting needles. She grabs her laptop, which rebalances her Captchalogue set. The laptop becomes the top of the tree with the violin and knitting set both as leaves off of the tree. She leaves the room. Out of her window there is a cat mausoleum and a lab behind a row of trees in the stormy night. It is raining heavily. Some meteors can be seen racing through the sky as well.

INT. ROSE'S HOUSE, HALLS

Outside she shuts the door; the name Rose Lalonde is written on the outside of her door. The hall is dark, and as she runs along, a flash of lightning briefly outlines the shape of Rose's MOM, as well as the various wizard posters on the walls. There is a (live) white and pink pony, MAPLEHOOF, in the living room and a large Zazzerpan wizard statue. Rose quickly climbs to the observatory, in which there is a large telescope. She opens her computer and reconnects to John. Pulling the computer from her sylladex causes all of her Captchalogue objects to fall on the ground. She ignores it and reinstates voice chat with John, as well as the game connection on her computer. We can see John and his house on her screen as she talks. His walls are defaced with drawings of harlequins and words like FOOL and LAME KID. Music builds back in (sburban countdown).

ROSE

I'm back.

JOHN

I don't think it matters, I think I'm probably dead no matter what!

ROSE

Patience. Have you used the punchcard?

JOHN

It made this weird shaped thing. I don't know what to do with it!

ROSE

I put the final device on your balcony. The new totem should make the item on the card.

John runs out onto the balcony and puts the totem on the raised platform. Sburban Countdown music continues

JOHN

So what is it, like an apple or something? What good will that even do?

ROSE

We'll see. I've found no evidence that anyone has even successfully made the item.

An arm scans the shaped totem and a blue tree appears on the large circular plate. A large blue apple grows from the branch, drops into John's hands, and the tree disappears.

As the clock ticks down and the meteor approaches, John looks up at the oncoming meteor and takes a bite of the apple.

EXT. JOHN'S NEIGHBORHOOD

From far off, an enormous explosion is seen in John's neighborhood. Static interrupts the picture.


	2. Minutes 11-25

EXT./INT. - FUTURE EARTH

A trail of footprints in the sand leads to an opened manhole cover.

Inside, drawings of the various planets the kids will create are on the walls of the lab facility. Can town (assorted metal food cans arranged as a town) and the chess board design in black oil are on the floor.

A black humanoid creature wrapped in rags is eating the pages from a book with etiquette rules. He's the equivalent of a black pawn in chess. Close study of his rags show they have ghost designs on them but have become faded and dirty over time. He has a sash that reads MAYO but he added an R to the end. The MAYOR also has a barcode-like stamp on the inside of one wrist.

The Mayor searches through a cabinet, finds some uranium, and promptly devours it. He finishes that off with tab soda. A firefly - SERENITY - is buzzing around him. He moves up to a large console. There are four screens arranged like the SBURB logo. The upper right screen has John who is standing on his balcony. The MAYOR types into the keyboard, and the words feed across the bottom command line of the screen as well as a command line on his console. The ones on the bottom screen command line fade soon after appearing.

COMMAND READOUT

BOY.

COMMAND READOUT

YOU THERE, BOY.

Static interruption; time jumps forward for the Mayor. John is talking with a blue, ghosty old woman, NANNASPRITE, on the screen. The Mayor is typing.

COMMAND READOUT

A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN.

The Mayor's finger slips, bringing up a countdown screen. It's nearly out of time: only 4 minutes and 13 seconds remaining. He begins to hit various buttons and smack the console with great urgency, but he can not return to his screen with John.

Hastily the Mayor tries to gather his things. He puts cans and tab soda into a large pumpkin with a stylized BEC head drawn on it. Serenity follows him urgently. He is just into the main shoot looking up at the manhole overhead when the timer ends.

EXT. FUTURE EARTH

The entire facility - a large cylinder - rockets into the sky from the surrounding desert. Lift off cues the music, Explore. The hand of a large statue can be seen in the sand as the rocket leaves - it is the hand of the Zazzerpan wizard statue from Rose's house. The Mayor is thrown flat as the rocket shoots along. It passes over a similar white chess person wrapped in rags who is pushing a cart of mailboxes near a large, circular facility with the SBURB logo.

The camera zooms out, revealing the location of the Mayor currently at the west coast of the US.

COMMAND READOUT

(Many) Years in the past...

It zooms into a remote region in the Pacific Ocean where an active volcano sits. The image progresses in fast forward and shows how the location had changed since before human civilization all the way to Future Earth time. It shows a large meteor striking the area just south of the volcano. The image is sped up to show the volcano filling the bottom of the crater before cooling. Water fills in, then ocean, then forests. A frog temple appears. Then it continues to fast forward to the frog temple in ruins surrounded by desert as the Mayor's cylinder facility arrives. Music ends/fades out so the Mayor emerges from the rocket to only the sound of wind.

The rocket lands and the Mayor climbs out. The large frog temple is seen in ruins; a secondary tower sits not far away. There is a harpoon and cable on it. The Mayor secures and drops a cable over the side of his circular facility, but it's not long enough to get down to the ground. He returns into the facility and enters another room.

A large machine with the words 'APPEARIFIER' dominates this room. The Mayor fiddles with controls that appear to have latitude and longitude coordinates, plus altitude and some other figures. The harpoon and cable are visible on the screen along with a blue package, but the background looks lush and green, not like a desert of Future Earth. He presses a button. The blue box appears on a nearby platform. The Mayor picks it up, confused. A note on top reads TO MISTER MAYOR in curly, girlish green writing. The Mayor returns to the device, adjusts the coordinates, making everything on screen get older until he gets to the present, Future Earth time. He presses the button again. The harpoon and cable appear beside him on the dais.

Outside again, the Mayor drops to the ground with his belongings. The round facility with a helicopter top arrives as well. The earlier white figure, PEREGRINE MENDICANT steps out, then bullets start spraying from the frog temple. The two figures dive behind a piece of ruined wall for cover.

STATIC

INT./EXT. - JOHN'S HOUSE IN THE MEDIUM

Panoramic shot of John's House's new location. The house is perched perilously above an abyss on a cartoonishly tall, thin pillar of rock. Dark clouds hide the view of the ground. John is still on his balcony. The Kernelsprite jumps around and splits. A dark version descends through the clouds. A light version rises and leaves a trail of gates in its wake. The remaining blue sprite reforms into a floating harlequin sprite that continues to follow John around. Words scroll across the bottom of the screen. The walls are smeared with oil.

COMMAND READOUT

BOY.

John wanders inside. The walls and floors have dark oil spread over them. John explores all the rooms. He doesn't see Dad anywhere.

COMMAND READOUT

YOU THERE. BOY.

 

BOY, QUIT ALL THIS SCURRYING AROUND.

John stops in the kitchen and looks around, slightly confused. He rubs his finger in his ear. Rose chimes in from the PDA.

ROSE

I see you have survived the impact.

JOHN

Yeah, I'm here! Where am I?

ROSE

I don't know. Your neighborhood was destroyed by the meteor. Wherever you were transported, it saved you from the impact. I've been reading reports in the news. Over the last few days, there have been many smaller meteor collisions with people's homes around the world. And they seem to be getting bigger. Yours was the biggest they've identified so far.

JOHN

Wow, ok. So then I guess if this is all the game's doing, then the point is for us to save the world?

ROSE

Perhaps.

JOHN

Then we'd better get moving and figure this game out!

ROSE

Indeed. We should try prototyping the Kernelsprite again, quickly if possible. My laptop battery won't last forever.

John looks around for something to prototype with. He grabs a box of Betty Crocker cake mix, but as soon as he tries to throw it into the sprite, the sprite dodges and runs off.

COMMAND READOUT

CATCH THAT CLOWN.

John chases, but loses the sprite.

JOHN

Aw, man, where'd it go?

ROSE

I can't find it, but there is no time to worry about it. I think we should prioritize retrieving your server copy of the game from the car. Hopefully before my house burns down.

JOHN

There's a fire?

ROSE

There will be soon.

JOHN

Oh, jeez, so move this thing already!

(John kicks the cruxtruder)

ROSE

It requires a lot of grist to move, and we currently have zero. I have another idea though. Meet me upstairs.

COMMAND READOUT

DO AS YOUR FRIEND UNIT SAYS.

John heads upstairs to the balcony. He looks over the edge to see the car and driveway below him. Rose and the command readouts occur simultaneously.

COMMAND READOUT

HOP OFF THIS LEDGE ON TO THAT CAR.

ROSE

I'm lifting the car up to - John?

John starts shaking his head vigorously and walks away from the balcony edge.

COMMAND READOUT

YES.

John continues to shake his head.

COMMAND READOUT

YES.

ROSE

John, are you okay?

John starts flipping out in his refusal.

JOHN

No!

COMMAND READOUT

YES.

JOHN

NO!

COMMAND READOUT

YES.

ROSE

Okay, well, I'm going to put the car on the balcony anyway. You can retrieve the game after you recover from your post-traumatic stress attack.

Rose uses the cursor to lift the car, but the cursor disappears mid-transition. The car falls, hitting the cliff as it plummets down. This causes John's house to shake slightly.

COMPUTER (PDA)

Connection with tentacleTherapist lost.

INSIDE THE HOUSE: AN URN LABELED NANNA TOPPLES OFF THE FIREPLACE MANTEL INTO THE SPRITE WHICH IS HIDING IN THE LIVING ROOM. IT GLOWS AND DISAPPEARS AGAIN.

Outside, John watches the car descend.

COMMAND READOUT

BOY. DO NOT JUMP ON TO THE CAR.

John weakly nods. He seems at a loss as to what to do next. He re-enters the house as the Pesterchum sounds. The screen blinks the name turntechGodhead.

COMMAND READOUT

INDULGE THE DEVICE. BUT BE CURT WITH IT.

DAVE

Hey bro check it out, I'm working on some new rhymes.

JOHN

Dude, I don't have time for your nerdy raps!

DAVE

Come on, this is hells of ill just listen.

JOHN

I really don't have time; I'm playing SBurb and it's kind of a nightmare. A meteor nearly destroyed my house!

DAVE

Huh. For real. I think I could drop some sick rhymes about this.

JOHN

Man, see, I just don't think all the rapping stuff is really as cool as you think it is.

DAVE

No, this'll be dope, check it. Armageddon's getting waged on us, but I'm a gettin' armed and dangerous. Sending men in space for savin' us.

COMMAND READOUT

ENOUGH STRANGE POETRY.

John mutes Dave. A blue form rises from the floor behind John.

NANNASPRITE

Hoo hoo!

John whips around, but it disappears. Pesterchum pings again, this time with the name gardenGnostic. During this conversation, John is cautiously looking for Nannasprite, who keeps messing with him and staying just out of sight. He also inspects the toppled urn. He is not happy to see it toppled and hastily tries to clean it up. Dad will totally know what happened if he ever even looks at it. John stops looking for Nannasprite when the command line tells him to.

JADE

I'm back!

JOHN

Oh, hi!

JADE

I went to investigate the explosion I heard.

JOHN

Was it by any chance a meteor?

JADE

Yes! How did you know?

JOHN

Oh man, it's kind of a long story! Anyway, are you ok? Did it blow up your yard or start a fire or anything?

JADE

No, I'm fine! It landed a good ways from my house, but Bec doesn't want me to go near it. Anyway, what have you been up to John? Oh! Did you get my package yet?

JOHN

Er... Yeah, I was trying to get it, but Rose dropped my car into a weird spooky bottomless pit and the package was in the car and I'm really sorry about that. See, a meteor blew up my neighborhood.

COMMAND READOUT

IGNORE THIS WOMAN'S ANTICS.

JADE

That's terrible John! I'm so sorry!

JOHN

But I'm ok! And my house is too, sort of. That Sburb game sort of transported me somewhere at the last minute but now I'm trapped here and it's weird and dark and I can't find my dad and I just lost the car and my copy of the game in the pit and I think I have to save the world from the apocalypse!

INT. JADE'S DREAM TOWER

Jade is seen from behind in a bright, warmly lit room on Prospit. Jade, wearing her Prospit outfit, sits on the ground using her computer to run pesterchum and discuss with John. Their dialog is recorded in a chat window floating in front of her. She talks with John but her face is still hidden from audience view.

JADE

Well... It sounds really crazy and kind of scary but... It also sounds kind of exciting! I don't know John, maybe this is your destiny. If anyone can save the world I think it is probably you!

INT. JADE'S ROOM

The shot shifts. Everything is located in the exact same place, though Jade is replaced with Jade's dreambot, aka a robot, and the room appears to be a normal, albeit messy, room. A girl with dark hair can be seen asleep in the bed in the background.

JOHN

Wow you think so?

JADE

Yes!

INT. JOHN'S HOUSE

JOHN

Well, ok, but first I have to help transport Rose and save her from meteors and fire and stuff. I think I have to get TG to use his copy to save her. But that jackass won't shut up and stop rapping and stuff.

JADE

Hahaha! He is so silly!

JOHN

Yeah. Anyway I should talk to him about it. So B.R.B.

John switches to Dave and un-mutes him.

DAVE

\- Called freemancipation. If it's not pres-election its god-ascension.

JOHN

Aaarrgh! Stop rapping for a second you horse's ass! I have something important to talk about!

INT. DAVE'S ROOM

DAVE's desk is cluttered with music mixing equipment and albums. There is an empty jar of apple juice. A look around Dave's room reveals desks held up with cinderblocks, turntables and mixing gear, weird dead things preserved in jars on shelves, and various posters of obscure bands. Two katanas are on the wall. Dave wears sunglasses as he talks with John through his iphone. He uses only one earbud. There is an old blue box on the desk, open, with a tag that reads "To Dave Strider, from John Egbert". His strife specibus is set to Bladekind. He has 10 numbered CAPTCHALOGUE cards in his sylladex. Dave focuses on doing everything and anything ironically, but is at heart the most giant doofus of all. He also never says what he means, covering his feelings with jokes or aloofness.

DAVE

What's up?

JOHN

Rose is in trouble and she needs help. I was going to connect to her with Sburb but I lost my copy!

DAVE

Ok.

JOHN

Also she lost battery power. If she can get back up and running, she'll need someone with the game to get her out of there before her house burns down. So I think you should use your copy of the game to help her!

DAVE

My copy? That's going to be tough.

JOHN

Why?

Dave turns to look at the window. It's patched up. A series of shots shows earlier Dave spilling apple juice on the SBURB discs with his name written on them, then hanging them out to dry, then a crow grabbing them through the open window and finally Dave ejecting a shitty katana sword from his sylladex at it, skewering it and sending it and the discs out the window.

DAVE

I lost it. It's a stupid story and I'd rather not talk about it. Shit be embarrassing yo.

JOHN

I thought you said you have two?

DAVE

Well yeah. One is my brother's copy.

JOHN

Ok, well get his then!

DAVE

Alright, but he's not gonna be happy about that.

Dave disconnects from John before he begins his search. He does not remove the earbud. It may or may not be even connected to the iPhone.

Dave leaves the room. He begins to explore the apartment, looking through his Bro's things to find the second copy of Sburb. The Strider apartment is filled with puppets and "smuppets", which are plush puppets with protruding butts that are just plain weird. A large TV dominates one wall, complete with video game consoles and a large sound system. Dave talks to himself as he looks. He gives the smuppets an odd look as he passes.

DAVE

Now. If I were a satirical ninja like Bro, where would I put my game discs...

LIL' CAL, a ventriloquist dummy, appears suddenly and unexpectedly in a spot he clearly hadn't been before when the angles change. His movement isn't seen. He is flash stepping, aka moving too fast for the camera to follow, although shadow flickers are sometimes visible. He surprises Dave, but Dave calms down quickly.

DAVE

Oh, didn't see you there, dude. We be chill today, Cal? Yeah, you better fuckin' believe we be chill.

Dave picks up Lil' Cal's arm so they can fist bump. He keeps searching. He moves on into the kitchen, becoming increasingly twitchy. He checks his phone and finds Rose online. Ding of enabled chat. Lil' Cal follows him in the background. He's kind of a little creepy in how he follows Dave and has freaky eyes. Dave keeps searching for the game discs and only rarely catches sight of Lil' Cal. He only seems mildly put out about seeing Lil' Cal in unexpected places.

DAVE

Oh, there you are. John said your house was burning down are you on fire yet or what.

ROSE

No. For now I have retired to the safety of a smaller building built for the purposes of a deceased and well dressed feline which is much closer to the forest fire threatening my residence.

DAVE

Oh, well that's a relief. I'm working on getting the game to get you out of there. Apparently it is somehow crucial to helping you, although I can't see how a video game could save anyone's life.

(Dave pauses, giving a long look at a smuppet on the kitchen counter)

Hey, don't tell John this but I think he might have been right about the puppets. They're sort of starting to freak me out a little.

ROSE

You're referring to your brother's collection?

DAVE

I mean don't get me wrong I think it's cool and all, the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever. Or semi-semi-ironic, man I don't even know. I'm just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up.

(pause)

I'm just saying, if I come face to face with one more soft bulbous bottom being like kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever, I'm gonna fly off the handle. I'm gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit.

ROSE

Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

Lil' Cal appears above the fridge and startles Dave again. He steadies himself before speaking.

DAVE

Oh man, I wish Lil' Cal wouldn't look at me like that, with those dead eyes, Jesus. Sometimes I dream that he's real and he's talking to me.

ROSE

Interesting...

DAVE

Oh god, why did I just tell you my dream. You're going to have a field day with that.

ROSE

I am currently scrawling notes furiously into one of the many psychoanalysis journals I maintain for you. Published papers forthcoming. Because, you know, it's not like either of us have anything better to do at the moment than to evaluate each other's radically debilitating pathologies.

DAVE

Yeah, I'm gonna get moving. Later.

Dave disconnects. He eyes Lil Cal, then refocuses on the fridge.

DAVE

Always time to settle some rude hunger. And my hunger is about to get mocked 90s sitcom style.

Dave opens the fridge only to reveal a deluge of puppets that bury Dave. He yells and starts flipping out. A note is stuck to the inside of the fridge door (typos intentional).

NOTE

bro. roof. now. bring cal. where doing it man where MAKING THIS HAPEN

Dave bursts out of the puppet pile waving his sword and slicing the puppets into bits. He's flipping off the handle.

INT./EXT. - JOHN'S HOUSE

Music: Showtime (Piano Refrain)

John is playing the piano, kind of spacing out.

COMMAND READOUT

JOHN WHAT ARE YOU DOING. STOP DOING NOTHING.

John stops. Something is banging the door and thick oily fluid pools from underneath the door.

COMMAND READOUT

TROUBLING. INVESTIGATE THIS.

John follows the trail to his room. He walks through and is caught off guard by a dark enemy imp in a jester outfit.

COMMAND READOUT

JOHN TURN AROUND!!!!!

Fight ensues between John and the imp. (Music for his fight: Showtime Original Mix.) The imp wields John's new bunny. John has troubles fighting: his hammer breaks; he resorts to weaponizing his sylladex to destroy the imp. He grabs items in the room so they enter his sylladex and other items from his sylladex are ejecting, striking and killing the imp. There is the ping of Pesterchum.

ROSE

(quietly, almost drowned out by the battle music)

John, I am back. Are you battling a diminutive clown?

The imp explodes and leaves giant gusher shaped items for John to pick up. The music becomes victorious as it quickly fades. John picks up the bunny.

JOHN

I said...Put the bunny... BACK IN THE BOX!

John slams the bunny into the red box.

ROSE

You know I can hear you, correct?

JOHN

Oh... Uh, welcome back?

John pushes his door closed which causes a bucket of water to fall on his head.

NANNASPRITE

HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO!

COMMAND READOUT

WHAT THIS IS SO OUTRAGEOUS

Nannasprite appears behind John, laughing. She is the combination of John's dead grandmother and the harlequin doll in floating sprite form. She is light blue in color.

JOHN

Um... Nanna?

NANNASPRITE

Yes, dear!

JOHN

Hehe... Great prank. Good one, Nanna. ... Are you REALLY my dead Nanna?

NANNASPRITE

Of course, John! I've come back to help you on your journey! I am delighted to see what a fine young man you have turned out to be. Just like your father!

JOHN

Do you know where he is? I looked everywhere for him!

NANNASPRITE

Your father was kidnapped! When you crossed over to The Medium he was apprehended by the very forces of darkness which your presence here was awakened.

THE SCREEN FADES TO A VISUALIZATION OF THE INCIPISPHERE AS NANNASPRITE EXPLAINS. MUSIC ACCOMPANIES THIS EXPLANATION. (PROSPIT SOUNDTRACK? SONG OF SKAIA?)

JOHN (V.O.)

The Medium?

NANNASPRITE (V.O.)

Yes! The Medium is a ring of pure void, dividing light and darkness and untouched by the flow of time in your universe. At the core of The Medium lies Skaia.

Zoom in on Skaia. Skaia is a bright blue planet with large white clouds, surrounded by the Skaia net icon rings. Above it sits a small, bright yellow planet labeled Prospit. Prospit is shown to have white carapace creatures, and its moon, secured by a yellow chain to Prospit itself; the moon has two towers, one of which has a girl hanging out the window. Zooming in on Skaia reveals a battle field of a tiny chess game. The two kings circle each other on a small nine square chess board. There are four white spheres around the board.

NANNASPRITE (CONT'D)

As a dormant crucible of unlimited creative potential, forces of light will forever be charged with its defense, and the forces of darkness will just as persistently covet its destruction! Indeed, on the battlefield at the center of this realm, they are stuck in eternal stalemate. That is until you showed up!

JOHN (V.O.)

Me?

The two halves of the kernel sprite appear again, each moving towards one king. The battlefield expands into a much larger chess board, more pieces are added and all bear jester hats like the harlequin doll John used as a prototype. The upper right sphere also gains a jester head shadow.

NANNASPRITE (V.O.)

Yes! Your earlier prototyping transmitted information to each kingdom, occupying one of four spires. And the true war begins, light versus dark, good versus evil. This is a war that the forces of light are always destined to lose.

COMMAND READOUT

A QUEST OF FUTILITY THEN.

JOHN (V.O.)

Wow, really? Then what's the point?

INT. JOHN'S ROOM

The shot returns to John and Nannasprite in his room.

NANNASPRITE

That remains for you to find out, dear! For you see, the journey you are about to take is The Ultimate Riddle! For now, your objective is to proceed towards Skaia through the first of Seven Gates. They will become progressively more difficult to reach, so you had better sharpen your adventuring skills!

THE SHOT ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL THE SKAIA NET STYLE GATES ABOVE JOHN'S HOUSE THAT WERE LEFT BEHIND BY THE KERNEL SPRITE: THESE ARE THE GATES.

JOHN

Great! That all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then I can save my dad!

NANNASPRITE

Yes, John!

John happily dances about in his room, celebrating how awesome this game is.

JOHN

And then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save the earth from destruction!

NANNASPRITE

Oh no, I'm afraid not. Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that!

JOHN

(John stops dancing)

Oh...

NANNASPRITE

Your purpose is so much more important than saving that planet though! HOO HOO HOO!

Nannasprite flies away through the wall. There is some residual light blue goo. Rose responds from the PDA.

ROSE

What an interesting development. Shall we get to work?


	3. Minutes 26-50

INT./EXT. ROSE'S HOUSE

Quick cut to Rose's house. Her Mom is in the living room, cleaning beneath the giant statue of the wizard Zazzerpan and drinking her martini. An Eldritch pink princess doll lies on the couch. Outside the rain is pouring, and a small generator runs behind the mausoleum. A cord runs inside where Rose is busy on the computer building up John's house. Occasionally she checks in on John, who at first is battling the imps (battle music plays on low from her speakers, but she switches it to mute to play her own themes) and later alchemitizing objects. Jasper's open coffin lies to the side, a cat in a suit within.

ROSE

Have you determined the use of the Punchcard Designix yet?

JOHN

Yeah, it lets me make cards to create items. Look at my cool new hammer.

John shows her the pogo hammer, an amalgamation of his pogo ride and hammer.

ROSE

How did you create that?

JOHN

Put both punched cards in at the same time. Only used the holes that lined up. I got the idea from Harry Anderson.

ROSE

I do not know the gentleman, but that is a clever application of the system. Nice work.

Rose's cursor moves over a rocket pack filled with a flower pot, a cinderblock, and a violin.

ROSE (CONT'D)

What is that?

JOHN

Oh, I just hit random buttons. It made this messed up rocket pack. Useless with all this stuff in it. Also, do you know why Dave keeps telling me how awesome puppets are? He's leaving all these messages...

ROSE

I wouldn't know anything about Mr. Strider's puppets. Certainly not any incriminating knowledge of their intimidating nature in the dreamscape. Oh, please stand back.

EXT. JOHN'S HOME

Rose throws a safe using her cursor through the wall to destroy an imp and give John access to new stairs outside the house.

JOHN

Wow, that was so totally unnecessary!

ROSE

I made a shortcut upstairs.

John eyes the narrow stairs nervously. Inside he inspects the contents of the safe. There is a large joke book entitled COLONEL SASSACRE'S DAUNTING TEXT OF MAGICAL FRIVOLITY AND PRACTICAL JAPERY. Various old newspaper clippings about meteors litter the floor.

JOHN

Hey, this looks like my book. Almost exactly.

John proceeds carefully and with great difficulty up the narrow stairs. Unseen by John, a large hand appears and grips the edge of the cliff. John proceeds upwards, testing out his new weapon, the pogo hammer. He overpowers and is blown sky-high. Rose saves him by bringing a bed to catch his fall. Giant jester ogres are climbing the cliffs, approaching John. Boss battle music begins from the game as the ogres approach.

JOHN

Hey, that was a pretty uh...

ROSE

Sweet catch? John, I think you should recover and ready your hammer.

JOHN

What? Why?

ROSE

There is-

The laptop cuts out suddenly. Rose goes outside to inspect. The fire is within feet of the generator. She hits it repeatedly in an attempt to fix it. Music kicks in in full.

INT./EXT. DAVE'S APARTMENT, ROSE'S HOUSE, LOWAS

Music (Dave Owns, then Beatdown) accompanies these action sequences, spliced together.

Dave grabs the note from his Bro and looks upwards. He quickly grabs his sworda and Lil' Cal then goes out. He kicks open the door and runs up the stairs. He comes out on the roof. A panorama of the city, slowly showered by small meteors and backdropped by a red sky. The heat is intense and the city glows as if encased in fire. Bro flashes by too fast for the camera to capture. He takes Lil' Cal and keeps moving. Dave readies his sword.

Rose is fighting her generator as the fire gets closer. Two meteors can be seen from the sky as well. Rose's Mom hits a switch inside the house that opens a secret hatch in the mausoleum. Rose ducks inside the hatch with her belongings scooped into her sylladex and escapes the fire.

John's Dad is being lead away by the imps, but he breaks his handcuffs (they're John's trick handcuffs from his magic stuff) and fights the imps with shaving cream and shoes.

Shifts to Dave and Bro facing off, ready to battle. Bro first flash steps using Lil' Cal to beat Dave down. Later they switch to sword fighting. Bro is clearly besting Dave. It ends with Lil' Cal sliced up and Bro dropping the Beta on a prone Dave. Bro rockets off on his rocket skateboard. During the battle, Bro broke Dave's sword and his specibus, changing his specibus to 1/2 bladekind, setting Dave up to use a line of broken swords. Even the record on his shirt has been split (the decal not the shirt itself).

INT./EXT. JADE'S HOUSE

This scene is a brief reprieve from the action of earlier. The music shifts into a quieter interlude. Exterior of Jade's house is located on a remote island. The ruins of a frog temple reside in the middle a lagoon and a dormant volcano is to the north.

Jade's room is a mess. Animal and Squiggles posters adorn the walls and cute stuffed animals are everywhere. Much of the equipment is very sci-fi/high tech, including a fenestrated wall/window. A bass guitar is in the corner. There are a large number of flowers, plants, and pumpkins around as well as various guns. The frog temple can just be seen through a window. A magic eight-ball and a cue ball can be seen on the desk. A note is tacked to the wall, with the name Jade Harley in her curly green writing. Jade is sleeping quietly in her bed. There is a penpal letter from Jake which mentions a hack code as well as their gift for John. Jade is asleep in her bed.

EXT. PROSPIT'S MOON

Cut to Jade on Prospit's moon, in her Prospit clothes and flying. The carapace white humanoids (pawns) are seen below. The white queen looks up as Jade flies past. Skaia is above with many clouds. Scenes from both the future and the past can be seen in the clouds. Jade peeks in on John, who is sleeping in his own Prospit room in the second tower of Prospit's moon. His walls are defaced as Rose saw in the beginning and a Jester doll is behind him on the bed.

The planet grows smaller until all of Prospit can be seen, and labeled as Prospit. Jade returns to her tower.

Unexpectedly, a voice cuts in from her (closed, asleep) computer, without an enabled voice chat.

KARKAT

Hi again, idiot.

JADE

(opening the computer)

Oh nooooo...

KARKAT

So I guess today is finally the day you fuck everything up. Is there nothing I can do to change your mind?

JADE

You can leave me alone! How can you even be talking to me; I BLOCKED you! AND I logged out!

INT. METEOR

Karkat's jaw can be seen as he talks. Jade is visible on the screen, as well as a list of the troll handles and a visual window of the kids' timelines. The top is obscured by the 'scratch'.

KARKAT

You don't get that I am better and smarter than you in every way, forever. You don't get that because you are incredibly stupid.

JADE

I get that you're a jerk and you should shut up! Goodbye you jerk!

Jade blocks carcinoGeneticist. It shows on the screen, including the time 13:06. Jade contacts John.

JADE

Hey!!!

JOHN

Whoa, there you are! Where have you been?

JADE

Oh, just telling someone to go away!

JOHN

Oh god. The trolls again?

JADE

Yeah. I think they're mostly harmless, but every so often they manage to get through my block filter and hassle me. It's been going on for years. But I don't want to talk about them. How is your adventure going John?

JOHN

Ok. Except... I don't think I am actually saving the world here. I dunno what I'm really accomplishing but I guess it's not that.

JADE

Hmm, well, I think whatever it is it must be pretty important! Don't lose hope John I think it will all turn out for the best if you stay positive. Just keep listening to your grandmother's advice!

JOHN

Yeah. Hey, I don't think I mentioned Nanna to you, did I?

JADE

Uh... Didn't you?

JOHN

(pause)

You know, Rose and Dave are really weird when they talk to me about you, like they're always trying to convince me you have some spooky powers, but I'm always like no she seems like a pretty regular girl to me!

JADE

Heheheh.

JOHN

But then when I think back maybe there are times when it seems like you know some things?

JADE

Oh, well John. I want to explain lots of things to you. I'm just... Waiting!

JOHN

Waiting for what?

JADE

I really want to tell you all this stuff! But I can't yet; I really think you need to wake up first!

JOHN

Huh?

JADE

Well ok not literally. Well, ok, maybe KINDA literally!

JOHN

AUGH! Stop being so confusing!

JADE

Haha! Anyway time for you to go, John. I think you have some company!

JOHN

Wha-

COMPUTER

GardenGnostic ceased pestering ectoBiologist.

JADE

Won't be long until we're all playing, right?

Jade picks up her bass and plays a little (music: Gardener), while looking out the window to see the clouds over Prospit. She seems a touch lonely (but her naturally sunny disposition and optimism keeps her from being too torn up about it) as she watches all the things her friends are doing. Various scenes from the past and future play in the clouds, including John's first boss battle. Gardener mixes and fades into John's strife battle music.

EXT. JOHN'S HOUSE, LOWAS

John, back where we left him, is fighting two giant ogres. He uses his pogo hammer, they use his old tire swing and the old copy of SASSACRE'S. Nannasprite helps him fight.

INT. SKAIANET LAB, EARTH

Rose has grabbed a number of objects - she has her computer, a violin, an umbrella, and dead Jaspers in her sylladex. She descends the ladder from the mausoleum into a tunnel deep underground. Overhead there is the glow of red as the fire moves in. Once down, she finds a tunnel leading towards a bright green light far ahead.

At the end lies the Skaianet Lab. The Skaianet logo appears above the archway. A large arrangement of hubs mimic a chessboard. At the center is a raised dais with a triangular design. Rose uses the kiosk to find the unlocked hub and pull the hub for power and internet access. In getting her computer, all the objects in her sylladex fall. Her cat drops onto the dais and disappears. She collects her things again, this time ensuring the laptop is in the leaf position, not the root. She plucks it from the tree and plugs into the hub. She then re-CAPTCHALOGUES them together.

Deeper in the lab she finds a giant screen. It is tracking meteors worldwide. Another sign reads: SKAIANET LABORATORY. UNESTABLISHED IN: 0000:00:00:00:03:14. The timer is ticking down. A huge meteor crater is logged over John's location in the Northwest. Another pair of large impacts is heading for Rose's location in upstate New York, one on the lab and a larger one on her house. A larger one is a couple hours out over Texas, and an enormous meteor is headed for a remote location in the Pacific Ocean.

Rose pulls out her laptop and logs in. She searches and finds John battling the ogres. Only the Showtime battle music plays. Rose lends a hand to defeat the ogres by dropping the bath tub on them. John high-fives Nannasprite. (And levels up.)

ROSE

Good work, John!

JOHN

Oh, hey! You're back.

ROSE

For now. I'll have to leave again shortly. It looks like there's another large meteor headed for... My present location.

JOHN

Oh, so you mean Dave connected with you?

ROSE

Not yet. But I think I've determined that activating the timer in the game is not directly responsible for summoning a meteor. The countdown seems to be a kind of warning, as well as a strange coincidence.

JOHN

Um, ok. I don't really think I get it. Is this relevant?

ROSE

Probably not at the moment. And certainly not to you. I have to go.

JOHN

Ok, later!

ROSE

P.S. Try not to waste too much of that grist while I'm gone.

Rose closes her computer and explores. The only furniture in the lab is pink and girlish. A tea set is out, as well as stuffed cats and wizards. Rose dons a pink scarf. She is surprised to find a small mutant cat. She picks it up and continues walking. She finds a console with the triangle design, and beyond a another dais and tubes. Rose turns it on and it is focused on Jaspers from the past.

ROSE

But this is that day...

As a young Rose plays therapist with her cat, Jaspers suddenly disappears. The readout jumps forward to the day young Rose finds the dead cat on the beach, in a suit. Events move quickly as a funeral is held by Rose and Mom, and the events of the day are followed. At the end, when Jaspers disappears on the dais, he appears again on a dais in a different location.

Rose uses the device to Appearify Jaspers to her location. She grabs him once more, carries the cat, and runs for the dais in the hub grid. She hops on and appears elsewhere, just as the counter approaches its end.

Rose appears in a room with a bar and two large shelving units crowded with liquor bottles. Outside the fire and meteor storm can be seen. Mom's clothes can be seen in a closet. Rose looks out the window to see the lab just in time to see the meteor come. Rose takes cover as the window breaks in and fire catches. She runs pell mill for her room. She pulls out her laptop. She tries to connect to Dave but he doesn't respond. So she reconnects to John to see if he's talked to Dave. John has plenty of new loot, and a new green suit outfit. Rose continues to build up to the gate as John searches for and fights imps.

JOHN

Whoa, hi! Are you ok? Hasn't your house been on fire for like... Five hours now?

ROSE

No, that was the nearby forest, which up until quite recently would have been best described as "on fire". But you may be excited to learn that just as recently, my house finally notched that achievement.

JOHN

Wow, congrats I guess?

ROSE

Thank you. Have you seen Dave?

JOHN

Nah. His bro is probably just kicking his ass. That's probably all there is to say on the matter.

ROSE

Ok. What happened to all the imp creatures?

JOHN

I've been killing imps all over the house. Serves them right for ruining my posters. The bastards.

ROSE

Are you suggesting that imps are responsible for defacing your movie posters?

JOHN

Uh, YEAH?

ROSE

Your posters have looked like that ever since I first saw your room, the moment we started playing the game. I thought you had defaced them ironically to mock your father's interests.

JOHN

VERY FUNNY ROSE HAHAHA. NICE JOKE.

ROSE

Here, look.

Rose sends image files of screencaps of the earlier game in which the walls are defaced.

JOHN

Ok, yeah, but... Ok it still doesn't make sense. How could I draw them a while ago and then forget and not be able to see them and now suddenly I DO see them. That's stupid, what would that even mean.

ROSE

It looks like you were in your father's room recently.

JOHN

Yeah. Oh no, wait, are you going to psycho-therapify me?

ROSE

Maybe I am just being a friend?

JOHN

Maybe... Anyway, I guess you saw what's in there, it's boring and there's not much to even see.

ROSE

That doesn't matter. What matters is how seeing it affected you. I think it clearly has in some way.

JOHN

Well.. At first I was nervous to go in and find more weird clowns, because of course they are stupid and I hate them a lot. But then when I didn't see any, it was weird. I felt weirdly, like... Disappointed.

ROSE

Is it fair to say this changed your perception of your father? And is it such a stretch to conclude it changed your perception of other things as well?

JOHN

Un, no, maybe not. What are you getting at? It sounds like you're saying I'm crazy!

ROSE

Consider this theory: Your presumably longstanding tendency for scrawling this imagery is really your subconscious trying to express something disturbing within you. Since you suppressed it, your conscious self cannot acknowledge the drawings, until you have seen evidence to conflict with the worldview, which you obtained today.

JOHN

But he loves these shitty clowns. You've seen the house!

ROSE

Perhaps he believed it was you who loved the clowns, because of all the strange drawings in your room?

JOHN

I'm not sure about all this. I'd feel better if I knew where he was!

John steps aside and looks up at the structure towering over his house.

JOHN

Wow, what are you doing by the way? This is all looking kind of silly.

ROSE

I'm trying to spread the upward construction around so there is a more substantial foundation for later on.

JOHN

Aren't you running low on time by now?

ROSE

Right.

A new pesterchum window opens. Rose switches from speaking with John to the new name that has appeared: GrimAuxiliatrix. KANAYA is one of the trolls. She speaks at volumes, but carefully, pronouncing each syllable with measured care. She is not particularly bellicose, but she is attempting to 'troll' the kids as that is their plan. However, she also views her exchange with Rose as a sort of personal game in which they try to outwit the other. Parts of Kanaya can be seen during a shot. It shows her terminal and some features such as jaw, but not her full face. Rose is building and occasionally checking in on John. Oh and trying to catch Dave's attention about twice as often as all of the above.

KANAYA

Why is it that when the subject of temporal mechanics is broached your sparing human intellects instantly assume the most ingratiating posture of surrender imaginable. Time is not that difficult to understand. It is a utility that a universe may resort to in order to advance a desired degree of complexity. Or may not resort to if that is the case.

ROSE

Have we spoken before?

KANAYA

Yes. In the future.

ROSE

You and your friends never cease to invent ways to strengthen the credibility of your assertions.

KANAYA

Oh my, it is your human sarcasm again. I enjoy listening to it and I wish it could serve as my primary form of recreation. There, see, I just did it too, saying the opposite thing to emphasize my contempt. But suddenly I feel more primitive and hate myself a little more. It was like this funny miracle that just happened in my heart.

ROSE

I would admire the sophistication of you and your fellow future-dwellers a little more if you seemed to be aware the word "human" only functions as that sort of adjective in bad science fiction. But I won't be rude and change the subject.

KANAYA

Oh dear. No, we aren't from "the future".

ROSE

I thought you said we spoke in the future.

KANAYA

We did. Your future. For me it was only a couple minutes ago.

ROSE

I understand. You exist in some temporal stratum through which you have communication access to various points of my timeline. It's not that complicated.

KANAYA

Yes that's right. Will you try to talk some sense into your idiot friends so that we may proceed to bother them on more rational terms?

ROSE

I try to every day, with mixed results. But you see, it's not that I don't understand you. It's just that I don't believe you. Because it's nonsense. Why would a bunch of temporally dislocated trolls want to harass a group of friends throughout completely random points in time?

KANAYA

I will admit this campaign of provocation wasn't all that well thought out. Don't tell anyone I said that.

ROSE

Alright. Maybe you should get some trolling tips from us humans. Our sparing intellects are probably better suited to it.

KANAYA

Yeah, maybe. Why don't we be friends?

ROSE

You want to be my friend?

KANAYA

I think so. You suggested as much earlier.

ROSE

You mean a couple minutes ago? Probably because I remembered you mentioning it in the conversation we're having now?

KANAYA

That's likely.

ROSE

Hmm. Your commitment to this roleplaying scenario is intriguing. What choice do I have but to accept?

Rose peeks in on John, who has even more new outfits and items. He also has stacks of captchalogue cards huddled in the corner, and holds items like shoes and a hat. She puts the finishing touches on the building so John can climb up to the gate. Dave finally contacts Rose. She switches to chat with him immediately.

DAVE

Ok, I got it. I hope you appreciate how much gross spongy proboscis I had to felate to get this game. Not to mention the demise of one cool Lil' dude.

ROSE

My condolences. Should he require a suit for the funeral, I know an excellent tailor for such a specific size.

DAVE

Yeah, alright, I'm installing this game finally.

ROSE

We're doing this man?

DAVE

Yeah, you could almost say where making this

(pause)

TRANSPIRE.

ROSE

Excellent. Let's make shit take place.

DAVE INSERTS THE DISC AND THE ACTION MUSIC (SBURBAN JUNGLE) BEGINS. SHOT SHIFTS TO JADE. SHE CHECKS TO SEE THAT BEC (HER DOG) IS SLEEPING BEFORE SHOOTING A HARPOON GUN OUT HER WINDOW. IT LANDS PRECISELY ON THE TOWER AT THE EXACT POINT THE MAYOR LATER FINDS IT. SHE SLIDES DOWN AND LANDS. SHE DEPOSITS THE BLUE BOX THAT SAYS 'TO JADE, FROM JOHN', ALONG WITH THE TWO HAND WRITTEN LETTERS. IT DISAPPEARS AS SHE CUTS THE HARPOON LINE AND SHE TURNS TOWARDS THE FROG TEMPLE.

ROSE IS MESSING WITH A BALL OF YARN WHILE SHE WAITS. DAVE POPS THE TOP OFF THE APPLE JUICE AS THE GAME LOADS. FROM HIS COMPUTER, HE CAN SEE THE WORDS WRITTEN ON ROSE'S WALLS: BRIGHT GREEN WORDS OF MEOW AND GCAT. FROM ROSE'S POINT OF VIEW THE WALLS LOOK NORMAL, MUCH HOW JOHN'S WALLS WERE DEFACED BUT HE COULDN'T SEE IT. HE DROPS THE GAME ITEMS IN QUICK SUCCESSION AROUND ROSE'S HOUSE. ROSE RUNS AROUND TO TRY AND GET INTO THE GAME AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. WHEN HE PLACES THE ALCHEMITER OUTSIDE ON HER ROOF (IN THE RAIN) ROSE IS AT FIRST VISIBLY INFURIATED UNTIL HE THROWS THE ZAZZERPAN WIZARD STATUE THROUGH THE WALL GIVING HER ACCESS. HE ALSO RELEASES THE KERNELSPRITE WITH THE WIZARD.

JADE IS WANDERING DEEP INTO THE FROG TEMPLE AND FINDS A GIANT LOTUS ON TOP OF A LARGE COUNTDOWN.

JOHN IS FIGHTING HIS WAY UP THE ECLECTIC CONSTRUCTION ROSE PUT IN PLACE. HIS ABUNDANCE OF WEAPONS AND EQUIPMENT SEEMS TO HELP BATTLING THE IMPS A LOT. NANNASPRITE WRITES A MESSAGE IN THE SASSACRE BOOK FROM DAD'S ROOM AND THROWS IT INTO THE ABYSS.

DAVE THROWS THE DEAD JASPERS INTO THE SPRITE AS ROSE ALCHEMITIZES HER ENTRY ITEM. ROSE'S ITEM IS A WINE BOTTLE, WHICH IS KNOCKED FROM THE STAND AND FALLS OVER THE EDGE, DOWN TOWARDS THE WATERFALL. ROSE DRAMATICALLY LEAPS FOR IT. SHE GRABS THE BOTTLE AND BRIGHT PURPLE TENTACLES GRAB HER AND PULL HER BACK. HER SPRITE IS PROTOTYPED WITH BOTH HER CAT AND THE ELDRITCH PRINCESS DOLL. IT HAS A CAT FACE, BUT A DRESS AND LONG TENTACLE ARMS. JASPERSPRITE HAS SAVED ROSE AND PLACES HER SAFELY ON THE GROUND. ROSE RAISES THE BOTTLE TO SMASH IT AS THE CLOCK COUNTS DOWN TO IMPACT.

AS IT SMASHES, THE CLOCK SWITCHES TO JADE'S. THE LOTUS OPENS TO REVEAL DAVE'S BETA, SO KNOWN BECAUSE HE WROTE HIS NAME ON IT. JADE GRABS IT, BUT BEC APPEARS IN HIS GREEN-POWER TELEPORTATION. HE THEN TELEPORTS JADE BACK TO HER ROOM.

JOHN HITS ONE FINAL ENEMY WITH HIS POGO-HAMMER TO BOOST HIM THROUGH THE FIRST GATE. MUSIC CUTS. THE SCREEN SLOWLY EXPANDS TO REVEAL JOHN'S WORLD. IT IS A DARK WORLD WITH MANY DARK CLOUDS, FROM UNDER WHICH NO SKY CAN BE SEEN. THE ONLY SOUND IS WIND, AND ONLY HIS HOUSE PENETRATES THE CLOUDS.

COMMAND READOUT

Land of Wind and Shade

EXT. - DESERT OUTSIDE FROG TEMPLE

Static brings in the scene.

MAYOR is reading the note from Jade. It tells him to give the package to the PEREGRINE MENDICANT. There is another letter attached and a note that says "TO JOHN, FROM JADE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY." Mayor and Peregrine Mendicant are hiding from the machine gun fire. The mayor hands the package over. The other letter says "To Mail Lady", and it tells her where to go. It has an image of the scenery, but it's not right until a rocket launcher hits a nearby tower, toppling it and blowing a hole in the cylinder facility. Peregrine Mendicant rushes inside and follows the instructions. She puts the box on the dais, puts in coordinates, and hits the button. The sound of the weapons outside quiets.

Cut scene to Jade's distant past, when she is still young. The box is sendifcated by Peregrine Mendicant to this time in her past. She receives the gift as a young child, out with her grandfather and Becquerel. She looks confused at the name but loves the shirt and the collection of pumpkin seeds.

Cut back to the exiles. In the entrance to the frog temple, a dark figure wrapped in caution tape is trying to find more ammo for his gun to continue shooting at the others. The AIMLESS RENEGADE aims to fire again, but sees the BECQUEREL shape on the MAYOR's pumpkin. He surrenders.

Static to various clipped shots: aimless Renegade talking with the Mayor, past Aimless Renegade and Dad's car on LOWAS, confused fighting of the exiles at Aimless Renegade's surrender, past Peregrine Mendicant explaining to Jack about the package she must deliver, the Mayor showing Peregrine Mendicant the console with John and Peregrine Mendicant typing instructions to John (the typed conversation that will soon take place as John explores LOWAS), the arrival of the White Queen and the egg, Peregrine Mendicant discussing with White Queen and receiving the ring. Finally the static becomes too much and the screen goes black.

EXT./INT. DERSE

Music plays: Obsidian towers?

A dark purple planet with a chain connecting it to its moon rolls into view surrounded by darkness. The label Derse is given. Zoom in on the planet. The kingdom is deep purple in color where Prospit had been gold; the sky is black. The creatures who inhabit Derse are black in color and wear jester type clothing. Dad is seen breaking out of prison, fighting Jester imps with cakes and shaving cream, as well as punches. The shot expands to show JACK NOIR watching through fenestrated walls (windows which, when plugged in, can show anything occurring anywhere). He turns to another FENESTRATED WALL to see John collecting the loot of his boss battle.

JACK NOIR

Graveyard stuffers.

Jack Noir's desk sits behind the Fenestrated Walls. It is covered with paperwork, including parking citations. His name plate reads ARCHAGENT JACK NOIR. Jack is villainous, stab-happy, and particular about backstabbing aka betrayal over just about all things. He is wearing a colorful outfit, but a jester hat sits to the side. Jack turns his lip up at it as he passes. He attempts to leave, but the Black Queen catches sight of him. She throws the hat at him. Jack hisses and grimaces as he puts the hat on his head and leaves.

Jack goes to deal with Dad directly. Before Jack can throw a punch, however, Dad takes Jack's hat and burns it. Surprised and elated to be free of the hat, Jack steps aside and gestures for Dad to leave, free. He quickly leaves and steps on an appearifier. Dad disappears.

EXT. LOWAS

John's world, the "Land of Wind and Shade", is revealed on the ground. It's a dark world, with dark, oily rivers. The clouds are dark grey, but fireflies light the sky. The rock and earth is dark blue and gray, but bright florescent blue plants and mushrooms are everywhere. It is inhabited by salamander like creatures who can talk with John. They have numerous pipes that they use to deliver items 'carried by the wind'. They carve an image on a mini-tablet and deposit it, then later the object finds its way back to the person who carved the tablet. They are "carried by the wind" to their appropriate destination. The monsters now are both jester, princess, and cat-like in shape (taking from both John's and Rose's prototyping). John explores in the action while having the conversations with TEREZI and Jade.

The command readouts accompany the exploring action, including attacking small harlequin/cat/squid creatures and meeting salamanders along the way.

COMMAND READOUT

It's nice to meet you, John.

COMMAND READOUT (CONT'D)

Ok, John. Let's explore this place!

John begins to explore. He is interrupted by a troll; he does not enable the chat but she connects anyway. Terezi is a very weird troll. Always calculating, but she can switch between glee and intimidation without an ounce of warning. She is however a great friend and ally once you have her.

COMPUTER

GallowsCalibrator began trolling ectoBiologist.

TEREZI

Hehe.

JOHN

Uuuuugh...

TEREZI

Haha. Hehehehehe.

JOHN

Well, I guess you're not too bad a troll if this is all you do. Just laughing and stuff.

TEREZI

HEE HEE HEE! Hahahaha.

JOHN

Hehehe.

TEREZI

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JOHN

Hehehehehehehehe

SHOT OF TEREZI, WATCHING JOHN ON HER COMPUTER SCREEN. THE EDGES OF HER RED GLASSES COVERING BLINDED RED EYES CAN BE SEEN, THOUGH HER FACE IS STILL UNREVEALED.

TEREZI

John, why would you laugh at a blind girl.

JOHN

Uh...

TEREZI

You have no idea how much you disgust me. You're a total disgrace to the field of ectobiology. If we ever meet I'm going to cut your throat and listen to you bleed while I smell you die.

COMPUTER

GallowsCalibrator ceased trolling ectoBiologist.

JOHN

(stunned)

Wow. I. Wow.

COMPUTER

GardenGnostic began pestering ectoBiologist

John quickly suppresses his reaction and thoughts about the previous conversation. John has perfected the skill of suppressing complicated feelings.

JADE

John, hi!

JOHN

Oh. Hi Jade! Guess where I am.

John finds a pipe sticking out of the ground. It has a red flag from a mailbox on it. The flag is up. The command readout responds:

COMMAND READOUT

This is great! Something is in there. Take a look.

The pipe has a mini tablet with a shoe on it. John takes it and looks into the now empty pipe.

JADE

Are you on the ground below the clouds yet?

JOHN

Yeah! Wait how did you know that's where the gate goes... Did you talk to Rose? Can she still see me while I'm down here? She won't answer.

JADE

No, I haven't talked to her yet but I'd like to soon. I've got a lot of catching up to do with all of you! Sorry I've been so scarce, I've just been so busy running around like crazy and looking after my dog and stuff all day! I think he just locked me in my room actually.

JOHN

Oh man. He sounds like such a handful.

JADE

Yea.

JOHN

But it's ok, I think he is mostly just looking after you. Like a guardian angel or something. If I were you I would take him out behind the woodshed and give him a big hug!

JADE

Hey John, can you hold on I have to talk to Dave and start playing this game with him.

JOHN

Oh? What game?

John is still by the empty pipe where he took the shoe tablet. He tries to look deeper within.

COMMAND READOUT

There is nothing inside. Should we put something in?

John puts a shoe in place of the mini tablet with the shoe imprinted on it. John continues to explore.

JADE

Sburb! Duh, what else!

JOHN

What, I thought you didn't even know what Sburb was!

JADE

Oh, jeez, I was asleep when I said that silly! Of course I know what it is.

JOHN

Oh, ok. Where did you even get it?

JADE

From the ruins. It's Dave's copy.

JOHN

Wow. The thing you just said doesn't even make the slightest bit of sense.

John finds another mini tablet in a pipe, this one with a hat on it.

COMMAND READOUT

This one's empty. Perhaps a delivery is in order?

John drops the hat in in the tablet's place.

JADE

I know right! Oh, that reminds me since I'm setting the game up with Dave to be his server you are going to need to do the same thing for me.

JOHN

Oh really? This is news to me.

JADE

Do you know where your Dad's car would have fallen?

JOHN

Yeah, I think so. It'll be kind of a long walk though, this place is huge.

JADE

You should go there and get your copy of the server and set up with me... Oh and also get your package!

JOHN

Okay. Wait, how did you know my dad's car fell down here?

JADE

Johhhhhhhn, will you stop trying to trap me! You TOLD me the car fell remember?

John finds a blank tablet in a pipe. The command readout celebrates his find:

COMMAND READOUT

Hooray! This one contains a prize!

John takes the tablet.

JOHN

Ok fine, well, color me suspicious anyway. Miss know-it-all McPsychic-pants.

JADE

John, I'm not any more psychic than you.

JOHN

Ok sure I am convinced. Though I told you the package was in the car but I never mentioned that the game was there too. So kind of totally busted I guess.

JADE

Oops! Ok, I mean, I know lots of things but I'm really serious it's no more information than what you have access to. But you don't know it yet. Anyway we can talk more about it soon.... I won't have to be so coy with you anymore because I'm pretty sure most of the stuff that was supposed to happen has already happened. I couldn't tell you about it because it would have messed it up.

The command readout encourages John to open the next pipe he finds:

COMMAND READOUT

Open it! Open it!!!

There is a chisel inside. John takes it, then drops it into his sylladex.

JOHN

Ok, that is fair.

JADE

Just give me a few minutes while I set up this game! And say hi to the salamanders for me.

Jade ceases to pester him, but another voice cuts in immediately.

KARKAT

Hey, John. Calm the hell down.

JOHN

Auuuuuuuuuugh!

John continues making his way toward the car but runs into some enemies. He fights while arguing with Karkat.

KARKAT

That's right. Bellow your calm song of the flip-shitting fracas classic ballad. Best known from the opening credits of making a colossal human-earth pile into a pest-dig beast hovel.

JOHN

Ok, this time I'll believe you that you aren't human. Because the skepticism center of my brain is starting to wear kind of thin I guess. But you're still a major asshole and I don't actually want to talk to you, so bye.

KARKAT

Wait. But I'm not here to troll you this time. We're friends, ok?

JOHN

Hahahahaha! Oh man, look at this outburst of little human words I'm saying! From my human mouth!

KARKAT

Fine you can think I'm a fucking douche and maybe I am but here's the fact, idiot. I've already had lots of conversations with you. In the future. I mean your future. I've kind of been working backwards here for a while. And it's a little frustrating. Every time I go further back you know less and less, and you don't remember anything I said because it hasn't happened yet. And I have to repeat myself a lot. And I'm getting pretty fucking sick of it.

JOHN

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

John fights large ogres. A person who looks like Jade's GRANDPA uses a large gun to help John take them down, especially as John keeps getting drawn into his talk with Karat and messing up the fight. Grandpa then retreats with John's Sassacre book. A fire can be seen encroaching on the landscape, threatening the villages of the salamanders.

KARKAT

Well it's not like I mapped out this trolling onslaught very well in advance. I mean, when you troll someone you just sort of do it. You don't start drawing flowcharts and diagrams and stuff.

JOHN

Wait... You have something to do with this game, don't you? I should have known.

KARKAT

Oh god. Not again. No, fuck no, I am just not going to explain this to you again. You'll get plenty of dirt on all this from me in future conversations. Tedious conversations. Ones I've already had with you. Where your demeanor will gradually become inexplicably and revoltingly friendly towards us. And so I guess it just was kind of infectious and now we're all buddies I think. It's really weird. This human emotion you call friendship.

JOHN

Friendship isn't an emotion, fucknuts.

John defeats the last ogre. As he does, wind rushes in and puts out the fire. John may or may not have unconsciously caused the wind.

KARKAT

See, that is what I'm talking about. You're much more tolerable a guy that I thought at first, ok John?

JOHN

Why are you kissing my ass? What do you want? Why don't you just tell me what's going on. Are you in the medium?

KARKAT

Ok, fine. Yes we are.

JOHN

Like, here in this land, with the clouds and oil and stuff?

The salamanders are celebrating John's victory and the wind that whisked in to stop an encroaching fire.

COMMAND READOUT

John, the uncarved tablet you retrieved. Do you still have it?

John nods, and rubs his ear again.

COMMAND READOUT (CONT'D)

Great! I would like you to carve something on it.

A Skaia circle.

KARKAT

More of this narcissism. You always think everything revolves around you. We have nothing to do with your dumb little windy planet or your petty little quests. Or for that matter your entire game session. You aren't the only ones playing the game. Every group of players gets their own distinct, blank slate session. As will be explained to you many times.

Johns draws on the tablet and deposits it carelessly into a pipe. He seems to be getting the hang of this now.

JOHN

So why don't you just explain it again so I know... So I don't ask so much in the future???

KARKAT

No. Fuck this shit, just no. I'm ending this conversation because I've said it all to many times. And because you can't understand. Because you are dumb.

JOHN

Wow, yeah you're totally not trolling me, bro! I see now we are b.f.f.'s forever.

KARKAT

The fact that you are dumb is an immutable fact I am stating for the record. It does not mean animosity is what is taking place here.

JOHN

Oh, ok. So what do you want.

KARKAT

I need you to tell your friend Jade to talk to us. She won't answer our messages in this timeframe. It's important.

JOHN

Yeah, I don't blame her for not answering. She pretty much can't stand you guys. Because of all the trolling you did before. Remember?

KARKAT

Ok, our bad on that. Just tell her we're sorry. And to get her gross and totally unattractive human butt off her ugly human high horse and answer my messages.

JOHN

Maybe. We'll see. I'm still not really sold on this friendship thing yet. But I've got to go now and get on with my petty little quests. So talk to you in the future I guess. Jerkface.

John comes upon a raised location where he can see very far. He looks far out over the land, then cranes his head up to see his house way overhead. The gates are even higher.

COMMAND READOUT

A good place to keep lookout?

JOHN

I think I have a lot of building to do...

The scene cuts to elsewhere on the planet. The minitablet John carved pops out of another pipe in front of a white carapace person - the past Peregrine Mendicant, who is at this time a mail lady. She takes the tablet. She has a letter from Jade telling her to get the green package. Nearby a black carapace creature has placed caution tape around the wrecked car, left a dark purple parking citation, and taken the package and discs. He is past Aimless Renegade. Peregrine Mendicant approaches him and asks for both the discs and the package. He gives her the discs but not the package. She drops the discs into a pipe and then swiftly follows Aimless Renegade away. She follows him all the way to Derse where Aimless Renegade delivers the package to Jack Noir. Peregrine Mendicant points to the package, but Jack won't give it to her. He gives her a list - he will trade the package for the crowns of the white king and queen. Peregrine Mendicant leaves. Jack looks inside the package and his jaw drops before he takes on a calculating look.


	4. Minutes 51-75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep looking over this, but I have a sneaking suspicion there are a few more clerical errors I've missed. Sorry. Hope some people are enjoying this though.

DAVE'S HOUSE

Dave's house looks the same, except crows are flying in the window and being a nuisance. Dave is trying to shoo them out the window when Jade pesters him. She proceeds to connect with him during the conversation.

JADE

Yo yooooooo!

DAVE

Whoa ok hey.

JADE

It's great that you got Rose out of there in time!

DAVE

I'm going to skip the part where I ask you how you know that. But yeah, pretty much you have no idea how much I fuckin' own at this game. I bested no less than three flaming tornados and broke a huge wizard.

JADE

So how does it feel to be a BIG TIME HERO, mister bravey brave mcHero-pants?

DAVE

It feels like I am in sports, all alone, and I am the star. It's me and then the big man comes.

JADE

Hehe. But it turns out to be CRAZY what kind of basket ball this man plays! Umm... The HOOP IS ON FIRE.. Ok I forget how it goes.

DAVE

No, you got it. We're good. Reference secured.

JADE

Yes!!! So now it is my turn to be the star! I will be your hero. It's me.

DAVE

Wait, what.

JADE

I installed the game! I'm connecting to you as the server player.

DAVE

Oh man this is ridiculous. I just set this shit up with Rose and now I got to do like some double duty thing? I mean I own at the game and all but can't I just relax for half a second.

JADE

I figured I'd get a good head start to avoid all the drama you guys are always getting into.

DAVE

What. Look, I was getting my ass handed to me by my bro on the roof for like an hour and a half. I got served like a dude on butler island. Wait, does this mean there's a big meteor coming soon?

JADE

Yes! But it would come regardless.

Jade begins to move things around Dave's room as she connects. She tries to find places to put objects and is moving Dave's stuff aside to do so, including his bed. Dave does not see what she is doing as he is very preoccupied with the crows. He will not be happy when he sees. She is and will continue to make a mess of the apartment throughout the scene.

DAVE

Well that sure makes me feel better about it. I'd hate to waste my death not playing a game that involves meteors and monsters and shit.

JADE

Well, who knows! Maybe the game comes with extra lives or something once you enter. Isn't that how video games work?

DAVE

Right, because the only thing better than dying is dying multiple times. I want a flippin' long series of deaths. I'll take the whole morbid buffet here. Hey, what are you doing with my bed?

JADE

Making room for this equipment, duh! These darn birds are in the way! What are they doing in your apartment anyway!!!

DAVE

I always keep birds in here it's sort of my thing.

(Pesterchum chimes)

Oh, no dude, not this douche.

Jade continues to set up things for Dave as he steps aside and talks with TAVROS. She smashes open the cruxtruder and prototypes the kernelsprite with the stabbed dead crow behind Dave's back.

TAVROS is a hesitant troll with very low self-esteem. He has a lot of potential, but has problems stepping up to the plate. His speech is halting and cautious; thus the profusion of commas. He says 'uh' quite often.

TAVROS

Heeeeeeeey.

DAVE

Oh god, what now.

TAVROS

First, ok, I think you're awful. Let's put that fact on the table where we can both see it. Now you have been primed for the digestive ruination that's about to take place, and the comprehensive soiling of the laundry enveloping your person.

DAVE

This is so weak and I seriously can't waste good time and material on you guys. Even if I did have time, you've got nothing. It's always one of you sprouting up and ranting about how hard I'm about to get trolled with no ensuing substance. You don't even know anything about us; one of you fuckers thought I was a girl.

TAVROS

Ok, yeah, but, the thing is, that I don't care, about your anatomical details. I know what you've done, or will do, actually, and it's the most awful thing.

DAVE

Sorry I wouldn't cyber with you dude, in the future or whatever.

TAVROS

(honestly caught off guard)

Wait what? Oh, ok, you're the one who likes to submit innuendo.

DAVE

Human innuendo, let's not get confused. So at what point in the future am I supposed to look forward to you whipping up this titanic hankering for my knob.

TAVROS

Uh...

DAVE

(starting to get into it)

Be honest with me, 'cause I'm busy, and I want to know exactly when I got to clear some space in my calendar for when some fuckwit blunders out of a magical phone booth and makes a ballad-inspiring play for my throbbing beef truncheon. I wouldn't want to miss it and cause a paradox or something, blow up the universe on account of you missing your window of opportunity to help yourself to a pubescent boy's naked spam porpoise.

TAVROS

Uh... Ok, this is sort of starting to upset me.

DAVE

Jesus you are such a shitty troll.

TAVROS

Guess I'll leave you alone and find another point in time to bother you.

DAVE

(patience gone)

Oh no, no dude. You sassed me up. We are in THE SHIT now. Together. For the long haul.

TAVROS

I. What?

DAVE

We're motherfuckin' entrenched in this bitch. You and me. Welcome to 'nam! Now grab my hand and shimmy your soggy ass off that muddy bank before Charlie gets the fuckin' drop.

TAVROS

Uhhh, who's Charlie?

DAVE

He's the guy who's gonna read our vows. I'm feeling pretty friggin' MATRIMONIAL all a sudden. Take a look down by your foot, see that little bottle. Stomp on that shit like it's on fire. Noisy ethnic dudes are flipping the fuck out and waving us around on chairs 'til someone gets hurt. I'm your 300 pound matronly freight-train, and my gaping furnace is hungry for coal so get goddamn shoveling.

TAVROS

Oh my god.

DAVE

Bro, look in my eyes. That twinkle is DEVOTION you herniated pro wrestler's sweaty purple taint. Sparklin' like a visit from your fairy fuckin' godmother. Shit be PURE AND TRUE. That's what you see, a kaleidoscopic supernova of all your hopes and dreams all swishin' together, radially effervescing arms of more little boy peckers than you can imagine, turning out insane corkscrew haymakers of a billion dancing vienna sausages strong. This is how we do this. This shits more real than kraft mayo.

INT. METEOR

Tavros's lower jaw is seen, dropped, staring at his computer screen. Dave is visible there, standing in his room, talking with Tavros. Tavros's mouse moves to the chat interface and clicks block.

COMPUTER

AdiosToreador blocked turntechGodhead.

INT. DAVE'S ROOM

At Dave's house, Dave is frustrated and about to lose his shit for realz.

DAVE

That motherfu-

JADE

Wow.

Dave turns around to find the dead crow sprite. Shit supplies are dangerously low.

DAVE

Did you seriously?! Wow, awesome, I'm stuck with this brainless feathery asshole.

JADE

What do you mean I just brought the cute birdie back to life!!! Isn't he great?

DAVE

What.

(sudden, horrible realization)

Oh god, are you asleep?

INT. JADE'S ROOM

In her room, Jade is asleep on the right side of her bed, and her robot is beside her, typing. Dave's room is visible through the computer display, the holographic one in the air. A log of their conversation is also up, all in their quirks.

JADE

(issuing from a speaker on the robot)

Ummm... I... I think I might be!

DAVE

Ok, ok, let's just.. Not panic here.

JADE

I'm not panicking I feel fine!

DAVE

Let's try to play it cool, and not break all my shit. We need to wake you up. You're not very logical like this. Kind of dumb really.

JADE

Gosh I'm SOOOO SOOOORRY!!!!!!! I was tired!

DAVE

Yeah but come on you sleep like 20 hours a day.

JADE

Well you are out of luck... I will wake up when I'm good and ready!

DAVE

Where are you sitting? Are you on your bed?

JADE

Yes, why?

DAVE

What side.

JADE

Ummmm... The right side... Why??

DAVE

Ok here's what I want you to do. Just humor me. Raise your left hand.

JADE

Okaaaay...

The Jadebot raises it's left arm.

DAVE

Now, just kind of swat the air to your left.

The Jadebot does so, and smacks the real Jade square in the face. Jade wakes instantly and the Jadebot powers down.

EXT. LAND OF LIGHT AND RAIN, AKA LOLAR

Rose's planet is introduced with a big shiny intro sequence. It's bright, with yellow and pink clouds that constantly drop shimmering iridescent rain. Everything is flooded - her house sits as a lonely isle surrounded by rainbow water.

There is a dock, but the boat is missing, presumably Mom left, leaving her martini glass on the dock with the abandoned rope. Rose fights more of the small enemies that John did, though they have cat, harlequin, and squid princess motifs to them now. Rose uses her knitting needles expertly as weapons. Upon vanquishing her last foe, she calmly turns to her sprite. JASPERSPRITE is a simple, generally happy creature who loves Rose very much. He is a bit cryptic, being a game mechanic, but mostly is just unconcerned with anything very complicated.

JASPERSPRITE

Meow. Meow.

ROSE

Is that all you have to say?

JASPERSPRITE

Purr purr purr.

ROSE

I thought you were supposed to be more helpful after your resurrection. Like a ghostly spirit guide. Wise, if frustratingly cryptic. What are you doing there, by the way?

JASPERSPRITE

Fishing!

ROSE

Oh, so you can talk.

JASPERSPRITE

But sadly there are no fish I think. They were all eaten by the denizen!

ROSE

Who?

JASPERSPRITE

It ate everything in the ocean and got so full that it took a long nap.

ROSE

Jaspers, the message you gave me years ago before you disappeared... What did you mean?

JASPERSPRITE

Meow.

ROSE

(sighs)

I don't understand. Is there some meaning to these responses, or are you just being obstinate?

JASPERSPRITE

You will understand when you wake up!

ROSE

Am I asleep?

JASPERSPRITE

Yes! I'm just a cat and I don't know much but I know that you're important and also are what some people around here call a Seer of Light. And you don't know what that means but you will see, it's all tied together! All the life in the ocean and all the shiny rain and the songs in your head and the letters they make. A beam of light I think is like a drop of rain or a long piece of yarn that dances around when you play with it and make it look enticing! And the way that it shakes is the same as what makes notes in a song! And a song I think can be written down as letters. So if you play the right song and it makes all the right letters then those letters could be all the letters that make life possible. So all you have to do is wake up and learn to play the rain! Does that make sense, Rose, sorry I disappeared for so long.

ROSE

Sort of. It sounds like you aren't exactly in complete command of this information yourself. So I won't press you on it for now. You're a pretty good cat, Jaspers. I missed you.

JASPERSPRITE

Purr purr purrrrrrr.

Rose looks mildly confused, and resolves to find some answers. She brings out a headset that looks a bit like half a google glass - she combined her computer with her headband to make a travel one. She contacts Jade.

COMPUTER

Voice chat with gardenGnostic enabled.

ROSE

I spoke with Jaspers. I didn't understand what he told me. He said I'll understand once I "wake up". For some reason this made me think of you.

JADE

Hehehe. What did he say?

Jaspersprite is very invested in the fishing, so Rose begins to explore the world. Eventually, Jaspersprite floats in tow, in time.

ROSE

I doubt I could reproduce the statements with fidelity. It was like listening to a five year-old describe a dream. The content manages to take a back seat to the simple heartwarming spectacle of the moment.

JADE

Well what he meant was... That you have a dream self, who is supposed to wake up whenever your real self goes to sleep. We all do! All four of us I mean. But your dream self still stays asleep when you go to sleep because you haven't woken up yet!

ROSE

Hm. I think I get it. But here's a question, which I'm sure will look stupid once I've finished typing it. If my dream self is asleep, does that mean she's dreaming, and if she is, who's dreaming the dream, her or me?

JADE

Um...... Ok, well, I don't really know how to answer the second part, but yeah, she's dreaming! She's most likely lying in your bed troubled and restless about things burdening her, which is to say you!!!! Things about who you really are and what your purpose is, but you can't start figuring those things out yet because you're not awake because you're not ready yet. That's why you have such terrible dreams all the time, Rose!

ROSE

Ok. How do I wake up?

JADE

I'm sure it would help to start piecing together the clues to nudge your subconscious or maybe face some things you haven't faced yet? I dunno! It's for you to find out. Maybe the stuff you wrote on your walls can give you a clue?

ROSE

(confused)

What stuff?

JADE

(pauses)

Didn't Dave tell you?

Rose looks up at her house.

ROSE

Are you saying he said I defaced the walls of my room? While not appearing to be cognizant of the scrawling? Like John? I really hope that's not what you're saying. It might freak me out.

JADE

He said he was going to tell you...

ROSE

Hold on.

Rose disconnects and hightails it back home.

EXT. LAND OF WIND AND SHADE, AKA LOWAS

John finds the car, but the mail is no longer in the car. Terezi contacts John.

TEREZI

John it's me again

JOHN

Who? Oh that's right, the leetspeaking blind one. Go away!

TEREZI

John don't make fun of my handicap.

JOHN

Which one, the blindness or the leetspeak.

TEREZI

I am sensitive about both.

JOHN

Sorry.

TEREZI

You can make it up to me by letting me help you!

JOHN

Wow, you drive a hard bargain! But noooooooooooooooo.

TEREZI

Before you keep moaning that word, just listen and do what I say. You know you're going to eventually anyway, because you're a nice guy and kind of a total weenie pushover.

JOHN

Yeah, well you're a huge... Oh, man, whatever, what do you even want.

TEREZI

I'm motivated by self interest to help you advance more quickly because I've got your whole adventure right here in front of me.

JOHN

Do you have a braille screen or something?

TEREZI

Shhhhh! Anyway the point is, it's long and boring. And you could stand to skip some steps.

JOHN

If you have my whole timeline there, can't you just scroll around to wherever you want like the other weirdos are doing?

TEREZI

I can, and I am. I guess what I really mean is, I just want to mess with you.

JOHN

Oh, ok, that sounds really great and helpful!

TEREZI

I mean mess with the timeline. My friends all think that you can't really change anything, and they're probably right, but I don't care. I want to mess with it and taste what happens.

JOHN

Sounds dumb. But if it means you're going to help me, then go ahead and help me I guess.

TEREZI

Let's get you to the gate first. It's not far; I sniffed out a map of your planet.

JOHN

Whoa, you've got a map? Where'd you get it?

TEREZI

John we are so much better than you in every respect it's ridiculous.

JOHN

Can I have it?

TEREZI

It's huge and mostly irrelevant. I'll just lead you. See that big pipe over there? Jump in. The wind will take you to the gate.

JOHN

You mean The Breeze?

TEREZI

Yeah, whatever. It's a short cut. Let's get moving. Are you ready to fuck up the timeline?!

JOHN

Sure.

John jumps through the pipe. He flurps out into a slow moving oil river. The bunny flows in the oil and gets oily in addition to its previous filthy status. John picks it up again and gets to land. Ahead he sees the denizen's palace.

JOHN

Oh wow, what's that?

TEREZI

It's your denizen's palace.

JOHN

My denizen?

TEREZI

Every planet has a denizen that lives deep underground, sleeping and guarding a huge grist hoard. The way down to its lair is through the palace.

JOHN

So you want me to go down there and kill him? Won't that be, uh, kinda hard?

TEREZI

Hahahahahaha! Ordinarily you'd have absolutely no chance at your meager level. But you have an advantage.

JOHN

Oh?

TEREZI

Usually over the course of your quest you will wake the denizen and then finally you go through the seventh gate, which is the only way into the palace. Then you go down and fight the denizen and kill it, releasing the hoard. But you won't bother waking it. We will skip right to the seventh gate, find its lair, and kill it in its sleep.

JOHN

Um, ok.

TEREZI

See that gate over by the broken bridge? Go check it out.

JOHN

Alright. Is this the seventh gate that'll take me into the palace and down to the sleeping denizen?

TEREZI

Nope. This is just a simple return node. There are lots of these around. Just hop in. Don't worry, I'll get you to the gate soon after that.

INT. PROSPIT CASTLE

Static interrupts the feed and Peregrine Mendicant is seen on Prospit in the 'present' time. She's showing the sheet to the WHITE QUEEN and then points to the letter from Jade. The White Queen gives her the crown and the ring - she unprototypes.

EXT. FUTURE EARTH

Static again, then a shot of the future in which the White Queen in rags greets the other exiles and crowns Peregrine Mendicant.

EXT. JOHN'S BALCONY

Static again and John's scene continues. He appears in his house. He and Terezi are talking as if the scene were never interrupted. The piles of things he alchemized from before, including the junked rocket pack, are still there.

TEREZI

John, see that big piece of junk there?

JOHN

The rocket pack?

TEREZI

Yeah, captchalogue that and send me the code. I got the codes for all the other earth crap stuck inside it from your friends, from different times. When they were feeling cooperative. I can take them out and make the rocket pack work for you.

JOHN

Ok... But couldn't there be millions of ways to subtract those objects out?

TEREZI

I'm giving all these codes to our hacker guy.

JOHN

Oh man, you have a hacker? I bet he is THE BEST!!! Hackers are always the best.

TEREZI

Hahahaha, well, he sure thinks he is.

JOHN

Who is it? Have I talked to him?

TEREZI

No, he says he doesn't want to talk to any of you ever, because he hates you. But he'll do this because he won't be able to resist the challenge.

JOHN

Ok...

John captchalogues the rocket pack, turns it over and reads the code.

JOHN (CONT'D)

The code is dskjhsdk.

TEREZI

Thanks. I'll be back in less than one second.

Voice chat is disabled, then almost instantly renabled. Terezi reads the code instead of saying each letter.

TEREZI (CONT'D)

PCHOOOOO.

JOHN

What? Did you forget something?

TEREZI

No, that's the code. It's PCHOOOOO. P-C-H and five O's. It took a while for him to figure out, but I gave it to you instantly from your perspective. Why would I make you wait? That would be so inconsiderate.

JOHN

Oh. I just thought that was just you going off to get the code... And making like this rockety noise or something. I dunno. Because you're kind of goofy.

TEREZI

Well, you're kind of... welcome. You ungrateful earth horse's noisy butthole!

JOHN

Oh gosh, I'm sooo sorry! This is just a stupid code. Are you sure it's right, it seems kind of... Obvious.

TEREZI

If it's so obvious why didn't you guess the code?

JOHN

Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why. I guess I'll make this rocket now, and see if this dumbass code actually does the trick.

John goes about making the totem and alchemizing the rocket pack. It works and he straps in. Dave chimes in just as John is lifting off.

DAVE

Ok, I'm in.

JOHN

In where?

DAVE

The medium.

JOHN

Oh, already?

DAVE

What do you mean already, shit took 4 goddamn hours.

JOHN

Huh, I guess time flew by while I was doing other stuff. Got completely wrapped up in the game. How did it go with you and Jade I guess?

DAVE

I don't want to talk about it. Imagine the worst day of my life just stood up and clinked a glass like it was about to give a speech, then took a shit in my dinner and passed out with its pants down.

JOHN

Ew, dog! Ewww!

DAVE

Yeah, shut the fuck up. What are you doing?

JOHN

I'm in a rocket pack and I am about to blast off into space. It should be sweet.

DAVE

Ok. I need some advice. My kernelsprite which was this brainless feathery asshole with a sword in it turned into this bigger like ghostly feathery asshole. With a sword in it. It seems to want me to prototype it again, not sure what to do.

JOHN

Hmmm, have you asked Rose?

DAVE

She's asleep for some reason.

JOHN

Wow, really?

DAVE

Yeah I saw her there, all tuckered out. Like she got smacked in the face with a pillow case full of the snooze wizards beard dander. Cause obviously its fuckin' prime time for swiping some shuteye about now. Like a few hours into her magic stupid quest. Anyway what do you think.

JOHN

I don't really know, I mean... It's supposed to be like your ghostly spirit guide or something. Unless you have the remains of a wise old dead grandparent lying around, I'm not sure what to tell you!

DAVE

Ok, fine, but it seems to be suggesting something here, and, I guess I'm kinda weirded out by its suggestion.

JOHN

I don't know, just do what it says! It knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than I do... I gotta go! Gonna blast off to the seventh gate. And, uh, win this game I guess.

DAVE

Ok, well, it definitely sounds like you're fucking something up over there, but alright. Later.

JOHN

Later.

John takes off and powers through the gate. Once he passes through the gate, music picks up and a new world is seen.

LAND OF HEAT AND CLOCKWORK, AKA LOHAC

Land of Heat and Clockwork is covered in lava and giant cogs everywhere. Dave leaps easily over the shifting grounds. He has spiffy new clothes, lots of powerful items, and mad battle skills. His sprite is Lil Cal and the dead bird mixed together. Various fights often involve multiple Daves using time travel to gang up on the enemies. Dave defeats the enemies, uses a shitty jpeg skateboard, and floats up through his fifth gate. He then sits to contact Rose on his Apple iShades. Lil Calsprite hovers nearby.

LIL CALSPRITE

Heee heee heee hooo hoo hoo.

DAVE

No, man, just. Shut Up. Really. Shut. The. F. Up.

Dave pesters Rose.

DAVE (CONT'D)

That's it I can't take it anymore. It was a huge mistake prototyping seppucrow with this useless mindnumbing jackass. I'm going back.

ROSE

Already?

DAVE

What do you mean already, shit took 4 goddamn months, or something. I don't know, I'm kind of losing track of how long it's been with all this time hopping.

ROSE

I thought we planned to progress as far as we could before you went back. To gather information and avoid repeating mistakes.

DAVE

What else is there to know? We lost. Can't finish the game with a dead heir and witch.

ROSE

We don't know Jade is dead for sure.

DAVE

Yeah, well, she had a big fucking meteor bearing down on her and we never heard from her again. Or the trolls for that matter. After they tricked John into skipping way ahead and getting his ass handed to him by the denizen. I guess once they managed to sabotage us they were done with us. And since John died he couldn't get Jade in on time so whether she's alive or not she's as good as dead from our perspective. Only thing left to do is change all that.

ROSE

Are you sure you're ready? You'll remember the plan we discussed?

DAVE

There's not much to remember. I go back and tell John not to be an idiot and get trolled like such a gullible stooge. I don't know what he was thinking. Even we couldn't kill one of those things yet with our higher levels and all our sick gear.

ROSE

After you go, what do you think will happen to me? Will I just cease to exist?

DAVE

I don't know, I mean your whole timeline will, maybe.

ROSE

Maybe? Is there a chance it'll continue to exist, and I'll just be here alone forever? I'm not sure which outcome is more unsettling.

DAVE

The thing with time travel is you can't overthink it. Just roll with it and see what happens. And above all try not to do anything retarded.

ROSE

What do you think I should do?

DAVE

Try going to sleep. Our dreamselves kind of operate outside the normal time continuum I think. So if part of you from this timeline's going to persist that's probably the way to make it happen. And, hey, you might even be able to help your past self wake up sooner without all that fuss you went through.

ROSE

I think the true purpose of this game is to see how many qualifiers we can get to precede the world "self" and still understand what we're talking about.

DAVE

The true purpose is to make a sprite that doesn't make me want to flog myself raw with my own brain stem. Anything else is gravy.

ROSE

If my past self can wake up sooner, maybe I'll be the one to visit you first this time. I'll fly by and remind you you're already awake and don't know it.

DAVE

Yeah, that'd be cool I guess. I'm gonna go now.

ROSE

Good luck.

Dave stands and takes his turntables. He spins them and time rewinds around Dave.

INT. ROSE'S HOUSE

After disconnecting with Dave, Rose proceeds to go to sleep. The timeline rewinds back to Rose returning home on her world with Jaspersprite. Sleeping alt timeline Rose is superimposed over Rose for a moment and Rose falls straight to sleep. They descend into sleep together. Rose's dream self wakes suddenly.

EXT. DAVE'S ROOF

Return to the scene in which Dave and John talk, and Dave is considering how to prototype his sprite. (Past) Dave is standing on his roof with the dead bird sprite and the chopped up pieces of Lil Cal. John's voice comes through the voice chat.

JOHN

I don't know, just do what it says! It knows stuff about the game, so it probably knows better than I do... I gotta go! Gonna blast off to the seventh gate. And, uh, win this game I guess.

DAVE

Ok, well, it definitely sounds like you're fucking something up over there, but alright. Later.

JOHN

Later.

Alt timeline Dave appears suddenly. The Past Dave pesters John again.

COMPUTER

TurntechGodhead began pestering ectobiologist

DAVE

WAIT

JOHN

What?

DAVE

Don't go yet. Something's up.

ALT DAVE

I'm just a future version of you.

DAVE

(accepting this instantly and relaying the information to John)

Ok, it's me from the future.

JOHN

Huh?

DAVE

It's me. I just appeared. From the future, wearing a rad suit.

Alt Dave steps up close so the voice chat will pick him up too.

ALT DAVE

John, don't go or you're gonna die.

JOHN

Pfff. Lame. What kind of gullible stooge do you think I am?

ALT-DAVE

I dunno, gullible enough to trust a leetspeaking troll who wants you dead and strap on a rocket pack cause she said to.

JOHN

This is like some terrible April Fool's Prank, but 13 days too late. If future you is real, then why don't you let me talk with him.

DAVE

Do you hear what you're saying oh my god. This guy is me and he just talked to you and you're just talking to me again, Jesus, it proves nothing.

EXT. LAND OF WIND AND SHALE, AKA LOWAS

John is flying through the sky with his rocket pack towards the gate. Pesterchum dings.

JOHN

Hold on someone else is bugging me.

ALT-DAVE

John, stop being a tool and unbuckle yourself from that piece of shit. If our friendship means anything you'll listen to me and past Dave. This is future Dave, by the way.

JOHN

Wow, you're really pulling out all the stops for this stunt! Using your phone and computer at the same time to message me.

DAVE

Oh my god.

ALT-DAVE

(said at the same time as Dave)

You can hear both of us speaking at the same time, John. That kind of cornball horseshit is your cup of tea not mine. Don't make me track you down through time and stop you in person.

JOHN

You can't track down through time WHAT YOU CAN'T CATCH! Pchoooooo!

ALT-DAVE

Oh god, did you just blast off?

JOHN

No.. But that would have been sweet if I did just then.

ALT-DAVE

Ok well just don't. I'm turning this timeline over to past Dave, and helping you all stay alive and do this thing the right way this time. Just stay on the goddamn ground for fuck's sake.

JOHN

Ok, I guess...

EXT. DAVE'S ROOF

Alt-Dave nods to Past Dave as he drops all his items. There are piles of captchalogue cards next to Dave. Then he backflips into the sprite, creating DAVESPRITE, who is an orange, feathery ghosty character. They nod to each other.

Davesprite uses his phone to contact Terezi/gallowscalibrator.

DAVESPRITE

Don't talk to John anymore he's an impressionable doofus. Your plan didn't work. I mean it did, but then suddenly it didn't. So you might as well quit trying.

TEREZI

You smell like orange creamsicles.

DAVESPRITE

What, you're aliens, do you even have orange creamsicles?

TEREZI

Of course. What kind of awful civilization wouldn't invent orange creamsicles. Not one I'd want anything to do with.

DAVESPRITE

Ok, whatever, just no more hijinks.

TEREZI

Obviously I knew it wasn't going to work. My friends have been talking to John from the future when he isn't dead. There was no way what I did was going to kill him; I just wanted to mess with him and stuff.

DAVESPRITE

I don't think you're following. You DID kill him, then I went back in time to stop him. Did you even guess that by trolling John to his grave and making me splinter us off into an alt timeline that you were basically complicit in making our timeline go the way it was supposed to go all along. Where future me is now helping Dave and we just keep playing, and our actions ultimately lead to the trouble you're all in now. Thus leading you all to troll us incompetently?

TEREZI

Oh, no. I didn't think of that.

DAVESPRITE

Yeah, see, none of you ever thinks anything through. Who's in charge of timeline management there. I gotta give him a business.

TEREZI

She doesn't want to talk to any of you. And has misgivings about this whole thing. Not all of us are that enthusiastic about trolling you guys. And the ones who are sort of suck at it.

DAVESPRITE

Well at least you got John to off himself, so I guess you're not totally incompetent like the others, like that awful rapper.

TEREZI

So John actually did what I said?

DAVESPRITE

Yeah, I'm telling you, huge pushover. He will do what you say unless it happens to be for his own good. Then all a sudden he's a tough nut to crack. Go figure.

TEREZI

Now I feel kinda bad. Are you sure I can't talk to him, even if it's just to apologize? Would that be ok with you sir brave knight?

DAVESPRITE

Yeah that's fine I guess. Just no more coy bullshit.

TEREZI

Or what, you're going to hunt me down through time, ooooh oh no. You realize I'm way higher level than you, even if you are from the future. Are you sure you want to get your clock cleaned by a blind chick?

DAVESPRITE

Ok even if that's true, I just merged with an impaled orange goddamn bird and now I got all these crazy powers.

TEREZI

Ugh, self prototyping is so dumb. This is why you all screw up so bad. Always bending the rules like that.

DAVESPRITE

Yeah, well, as long as you don't bug John I guess that's all there is to say on the matter.

TEREZI

Thanks, Dave. To be fair, I'm sure everyone of us wishes we thought of future self prototyping first. So, you're not really all that terrible.

Terezi disconnects. The two Daves size each other up.

DAVE

Why are we so fucking awesome.

DAVESPRITE

That's the best fucking question anybody ever asked.

DAVE

Yeah.

DAVESPRITE

Ok, let's do this.

They fist-bump.

EXT. LAND OF WIND AND SHADE, AKA LOWAS

John considers his friendship with Dave - flashback to John opening the bunny gift at the beginning. He reads the letter.

DAVE (V.O.)

So hey. Since it's your bday I had to get you back for the sick memorabilia you got me so I got you this godawful thing and now I just know you're standing there flipping your shit over it so you're welcome. I would suggest you put it somewhere and display it ironically but i know you're dead serious about this ridiculous shit so you'll probably sleep with the damn thing and nibble its ear and stuff.

 

But the weird thing is that's what's cool about you. You're this naive guy like pinocchio tumbled ass backwards off the turnip truck and started liking ghostbusters. then the fairy godmother kissed your nose or some shit and you turned out to be not made of wood and also pretty cool to talk to. One day your gooberish ways are gonna land you in a jam and I know I'm going to have to get you off the hook but it's cool I got your back bro.

 

Then we'll meet and hug bump and get each other's filthy wife beaters that much filthier so yeah

peace dawg.

Back on LOWAS, John veers off course, away from the gate.

Karkat starts speaking to John without John enabling the chat.

KARKAT

I keep scrolling backwards through your adventure, trying to piece together how you botch this up so badly. And I keep finding these striking pockets of foolishness. Like what you're doing now, riding your little red rocket. Like you are a freshly hatched human larva and this is just all a big schoolhive rumpus respite.

JOHN

Humans aren't hatched as larvae dummy. We don't hatch at all. We are born as these little pink monkeys called babies.

KARKAT

Bullshit, that's not what you just told me.

JOHN

Hahaha! I was punking you dude! Or at least I will be in our next conversation. Thanks for the great prank idea.

KARKAT

Argh, why would you trick me about that, what is even the point.

JOHN

I don't know, it was just a friendly prank. Don't you ever play pranks? I mean, of course you do, one of you just tried to prank me good.

KARKAT

What, who?

JOHN

Pffft, you'll find out.

KARKAT

Well fine. I guess you got me back. Sort of, for my trolling. Even though you haven't even read my worst trolling efforts yet, because they happen in your future. And even then you don't even mind much. Almost like you were delighted to hear it. Kind of perverse really. What's wrong with you?

JOHN

Well, we're friends by then, aren't we. Or sort of like, uh, reverse anti-mutual friends.

KARKAT

What the hell does that even mean.

JOHN

Look, you're just going to have to face it at some point... That you're learning the meaning of this human emotion called friendship.

KARKAT

Is friendship really an emotion?

JOHN

Yes, absolutely.

KARKAT

I guess it's hard to see how we become friends. This is so frustrating. Every time I go further back into your past and talk to you, you say stuff that pertains to my immediate future. And then you won't explain to me what's going on, because it's already old news for you.

JOHN

Dude, you've been doing the same exact thing!!!

KARKAT

I've done no such thing. I've been exceptionally informative and helpful. If justifiably acrimonious.

JOHN

You never answer my questions, though. How am I supposed to know what's going on, or what you're alluding to?

KARKAT

This game is kind of a game of a million guides. Everywhere you turn there's another way to figure out what's going on, so please, go secrete me an earth river through your strange human tear ducts. You've got sprites, exiles, guardians, consorts... Time hopping future selves. Mystical dream oracle doppelgangers. And if that wasn't enough, your particular group of players is lucky enough to have us to give you the scoop on stuff. Through a sort of subversion of the whole damn thing. Even though we hate you. And even though the fact that we hate you is an immutable fact as unalterable as this writhing knotted hell of a timeline choking us all to death, it does not mean we have any reason to withhold any information from you. Or dish it out through cryptobaffling mind fuddlery. So go ahead, ask me anything.

JOHN

Ok. What's the point of the game.

KARKAT

Ask something else, already told you that. It was this whole big conversation we had.

JOHN

Augh! Fine. Where are you now?

KARKAT

In the medium, in a separate session from yours.

JOHN

No, no, I know that. You already told me that. What I mean is... Are you in your house right now, or in one of your magical lands, or what? Just curious 'cause you can see me, but I can't see or know anything about you!

KARKAT

We're hiding in the veil. What's left of it.

JOHN

What's that?

KARKAT

The veil is a huge belt of meteors, orbiting way outside of Skaia, beyond the orbit of the planets, dividing the medium from the furthest ring. Where Derse orbits.

JOHN

Derse?

SHOT OF JACK NOIR IN HIS OFFICE ON DERSE. JACK NOIR IS AT HIS DESK, DOING PAPERWORK. HE IS ALSO MAKING HATE CARTOONS OF THE BLACK QUEEN.

KARKAT (V.O.)

The dark planet. Prospit's the light one near Skaia.

JOHN

Isn't it kind of uncomfortable sitting on a meteor? Are you all hidden in a crater?

INT. METEOR

Karat is at his computer. He's still not completely discernible. It's clear that he's not alone in the room though; other people (trolls) are at nearby computers.

KARKAT

No, there's all kinds of crazy shit in the veil. Stuff like buildings, facilities, labs... The veil is kind of like neutral ground for the kingdoms, like our planets.

JOHN

Ok so the veil is a bunch of meteors... What do you mean what's left of it?

KARKAT

Ok, there comes a time when black inevitably beats white on the battlefield in the center of Skaia. The white king is captured or killed or something. That's when the reckoning starts. The rulers of Derse, the black king and queen, get the power to send the veil toward Skaia to destroy it. That kind of starts your big 'countdown', when shit gets serious.

JOHN

So then it's up to us to save it?

KARKAT

Yeah, you have that long to kill the black queen and king, and Skaia itself sort of buys you some time. It activates defense portals that catch some of the meteors. Those go back to hit your human earth. The threat gets bigger the longer you take, though. Smaller meteors come first and they get progressively bigger and bigger. And there's only so much of them Skaia can absorb for you.

JOHN

Ok, but it sounds like we've got plenty of time before that happens, right?

KARKAT

That's just it, you don't. Ordinarily you would but your reckoning starts much sooner. Because of some dumb things you've done. You completely blew it already and you have no chance of winning anymore, which ordinarily would be fine. Just another bunch of losers to fail at this game. It's what you do later that causes so much more trouble than that, and now we have to deal with it too.

JOHN

Oh no, what is it?

KARKAT

I already told you. It's inevitable and completely pointless to talk about anyway.

JOHN

Yeah well, maybe you're wrong! Maybe there's something we can still do to stop it if you just help us!

KARKAT

I'm not wrong. It's all right here in front of me. You fuck up royally. End of story.

JOHN

Ok, we'll see about that, Mr. Sourbulge.

MUSIC (BLACK FROM HOMESTUCK VOL. 1-4) PICKS UP IMMEDIATELY AS THE SCREEN SUDDENLY CUTS TO BLACK. DERSE FADES INTO VIEW.

EXT. DERSE

The planets (LOWAS, LOLAR, and LOHAC) come into view around Skaia, but the cameras keeps zooming out and turning to show the Veil, the meteor belt on the edge of the system, then zooms in on Derse, which is just beyond the Veil. It pauses briefly over the planet's written label (which hangs in space like Prospit's did, then rushes through the streets of Derse. It is filled with black carapace figures just as Prospit was filled with white ones. Eventually we com to Jack in his office once more. The Black Queen walks in on Jack and tries to force him to wear the goofy harlequin clothes, particularly the large jester hat. His memory flashes back to all the costumes and his utter hate for them, then Jack rips the harlequin shirt he is wearing off, leaving it in taters.

Zoom outside and up the chain that attaches Derse's moon to Derse. Dream Rose is awake on Derse, seeing the Meow's scrawled on her walls for the first time.

Mom is shown quickly, facing off against a huge ogre. Dad is fighting imps on LOWAS. He carves a tablet with a hat and sends it through the pipes. Bro is seen fighting more enemies as well.

Back to Jack in his office - Jack uses the gift (from Jade to John, in the green box that he received from Aimless Renegade) to kill the Black Queen. He puts on the ring and transforms, growing taller, and gaining the various appendages of each prototype: the slash over the eye and missing arm of the harlequin doll, and the tentacles of the princess tentacle doll. Derse glows with vicious light as he transforms. The shot ends with his face in terrifying detail and darkening.

The fourth wall behind Jack flickers to an image of Hussie, the author. He turns, looks surprised, and bangs the frame. Static on the wall, then the next scene is shown in the wall: Rose in her dream room on Derse.


End file.
